I Won't Say

A Most Excellent Phone Call

2011-12-12T20:48:00.004-07:00

Friends, the often seemingly impossible is actually, sometimes, possible.

A man (the one my family and all my dad's friends seem to think I've Met) has called me, not texted, and asked me on a date. He has a plan, a time, and used the word date to describe it.

Unfortunately, this was in a voicemail. Fortunately, I get to call him tomorrow and accept!

After one too many "Is this a date?"s, text-only contacts, and other varieties of the mixed message, this is a very nice change of pace. I realize it's just one date, a first date if you don't count our super fast dinner last month, and it's too early to get too excited, but dang it, I'm excited!

What I'd really love to say.

2011-12-07T17:53:00.001-07:00

The last time you asked me if I was pregnant I replied by pointing out that you certainly seemed interested in my sex life. Which you denied. However I pointed out that if you were asking about a pregnancy you were in fact asking about my sex life.

I thought that would be the end of it and you would realize questions like that are not appropriate.

And then last night you asked me if I wanted to hold a new baby to see if he would "rub off" on me. Apparently you have not learned. You probably think you're cute and innocent.

You are not.

The decisions of when and how many children to have is between the husband, wife, and God. It is a private, personal, sacred decision.

When to have a child and how many children to have are private decisions to be made between a husband and wife and the Lord. These are sacred decisions—decisions that should be made with sincere prayer and acted on with great faith.
Elder Neil L. Andersen, "Children," October 2011 General Conference

Your cute comments and questions are actually highly inappropriate. You have no idea what you are talking about. And it is because of your comments and questions that I will never confide any of my struggles to you.

Intelligent or friendly?

2011-11-30T20:49:00.001-07:00

It often seems like we either have the choice to be considered intelligent, cold, and distant, or we can be considered warm and friendly. But it's really hard to be considered both intelligent and friendly, especially on a first meeting.

Putting aside for a moment the fact that these types of studies use American college undergraduates/freshmen to generalize to the entire human race (it's using a sample of convenience not a true representative sample, but these studies always use it), there was a study that concluded that we can either be seen has having brains or emotions, but not both. The more of one we have the less of the other we have.

There are of course things they didn't take into account with this study. But at the same time it kind of fits with my dating experience. You're either the smarty nerdy girl that everyone is friends with but nobody wants to date. Or you're the bimbo that everyone dates but nobody cares about deeply.

Darn it all! Why can't we just be the smart, caring women that we are and have people see us for both aspects?

I did however keep my corduroy jacket on while I taught my college class today. Evaluations are coming up.

One Day At A Time

2011-11-29T21:41:00.001-07:00

The good news is that I'm feeling much better. Still a little lonely, really needing hug, but not collapsing on my kitchen floor sad about it. The other good news is that in three weeks, one of the most stressful periods of my life will be over and five days after that, I'll be back in The Homeland for a longer than usual stay. I can't freaking wait.

The bad news is that my new sister-in-law is having an emergency surgery tomorrow. It's a routine procedure, but that doesn't mean we're not concerned. My grandpa is dealing with some new health issues too, and I don't like to think about him leaving us any time soon. That's not a risk . . . yet.

And that's life, folks. Ups. Downs. All arounds. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take lots of deep breaths. Everything is going to be ok.

- Posted wirelessly by Jinxie

Busy

2011-11-28T14:22:00.004-07:00

This week is shaping up to be very busy: it's the culmination of the project I've been working on (how cryptic can I be...) but after this week, I won't be gone every night which will be a relief! Now I just have to determine how to use my spare time wisely so I can finish up some other projects before heading Elsewhere for Christmas. I'm also teaching in church on Sunday, practicing for a Christmas concert, exploring education options, and a few other things. I have a full plate, but I enjoy so much of it.

My bishop told me the other day that I should think about uncomplicating my life. When I got home, I listed the things I do on a regular basis and realized that the THINGS aren't necessarily complicating my life, but my THOUGHTS are. I am feeling a lot of (mostly) self-imposed stress about things I can't really control, and, because I get so caught up in worrying, it's making it hard to do anything at all. That's when things get complicated. I do need more quiet time. I need more time doing the things I want/need to do and less time worrying about how to get it all done. That means I need to calm down, do one thing at a time, and stop panicking about my family's financial situation in January. It has been an extremely difficult year in my house--without going into too much detail, I will say that the recession has hit my dad's business very hard. Without us pooling our limited resources, we might have lost our home. As it is, sometimes we barely make it through a month and in January, it will get even harder because of some health issues that need to be taken care of despite the loss of income it will entail. We can't afford to lose any income, but we also can't afford to have a more significant loss of income if these health problems aren't taken care of now.

Can I control any of this? Not really. Can I look for a better-paying job in order to help more? Yes, I can. Can I MAKE someone hire me? No. So what do I do in the meantime? I pray, I work, I try to find ways to make a little extra money, I support my family in good health and bad, I fast, I pray, I pray, I pray. I'm doing everything I can and freaking out about things I can't control will only use up energy I need to live this life.

Somehow, things will work out. They always do. And I'm grateful for Roxie and Jinxie who give me perspective and tell me to calm down when I get frantic.

Difficult Weekend

2011-11-27T19:37:00.004-07:00

While my entire immediate family, except me, gathered together with my brother, my brother's wife, and my brother's wife's entire immediately family for a Thanksgiving meal back in The Homeland, I sat with some friends I've known for less than six months. Well, two friends I've known for less than six months, one of their girlfriends who I just met last week, and some family of hers I still am unclear of her relation to (besides the one that is her mother). Yet another year as a Thanksgiving orphan.

While I'm incredibly grateful I didn't have to resort to ordering Chinese and eating alone, I really wanted to spend Thanksgiving with friends or family I've known for longer than that. Maybe next year I will.

Unfortunately, the rest of the weekend has spiraled downwards for me. I've spent time with other friends, relaxed, tried to be productive, attended the temple, and reflected on my blessings. It was a fairly typical weekend. Last night, however, just I was about to go to bed, I was hit with a sudden and intense loneliness worse than I've felt in quite some time. I missed my family, I missed having someone to hold/be held by, and I was angry at all the men who have taken me for granted, hurt me, and let me go.

Unsurprisingly, I didn't sleep very well. We all have our own brand of loneliness - mine comes from living thousands of miles from my parents and siblings and grandparents and the family dog, hundreds of miles from aunts and uncles - alone in my own apartment, which I love most of the time. I have friends, close friends for sure, but no default, always there needs me as much as I need them kind of friend. It's just me against the world right now and there's a lot on my plate that I'm trying to face on my own right now.

And it's hard.

It's so hard that when I reached into my fridge tonight for some vegetables, I got so overwhelmed that I had to close my refrigerator door, sit down on my dirty kitchen floor (dirty because I haven't had time to clean it and certainly no one else will be doing it), and just breathe on the verge of tears for a couple of minutes. It didn't last long, but it was a low moment.

Maybe it's the hormones combined with the holiday (yay menstruation!). Maybe it's just that I'm really stressed with my professional life right now. Maybe I'm just lonely.

Thank you for reading this far. Posts like this are what this blog is about after all - the secret thoughts of the frustratingly single. I'll get through this. I always do. In the meantime, I'm going to try and get some sleep. I just hope my subconscious wants to play nice tonight.

Short

2011-11-26T23:02:00.004-07:00

(I chose "short" as the title for this post because it's been a busy week and my internet is iffy at best lately. I think we have a bad router and hope we can replace it soon.)

The project I've referred to in most of my blogs this month has been stressful but fun. Part of the stress is that it's brought back a lot of memories of the breakup of my engagement a few years ago. Some of the memories are good, some are very sad, but I'm glad I have the good ones and that the bad ones are memories and not current events. Reminiscing with friends (and talking with new friends who ask) has, at times, been difficult, but it's been so good for me to be able to look back and see how far I've come. I know that it is only through the power of the Atonement of Christ that the breakup didn't completely crush me. I'm so grateful to be able to see that, and I hope I can be a strength to others.

I'm happy to be where I am (despite my job angst) and happy to be headed in the right direction.

Life is so good.

Is wearing a bikini immodest?

2011-11-25T13:44:00.000-07:00

There are many studies and many discussions out there about the messages a person sends when they wear certain clothes. You have to be careful teaching people to dress a certain way (particularly modestly) because you don't want to lay all the blame on the dresser for the wayward thoughts someone else might have as a result. However! I do think that both parties have to responsible in their thoughts, actions, and dress. Here's an interesting video that's making the rounds on Facebook regarding some scientific evidence for why we should choose to dress modestly.

Holiday blessings

2011-11-24T19:30:00.001-07:00

I've had a post sitting on the back burner since last year about how to make the holidays your own, especially when you are single and possibly far from the family you normally celebrate with. But we're all different. So what worked for me might not work for you as well.

Instead, here's this little bit of advice - make them your own, remember why you are celebrating, keep the traditions you can and start some new ones. And remember the wonder that is webcams.

I've found that no matter what is going on in your life, there is always something to be thankful for. And counting those blessings is even more important when it doesn't look like you have that many.

Bless The Telephone

2011-11-23T14:49:00.001-07:00

I've been really digging this song lately.

I look forward to having someone to share it with.

Heart

2011-11-22T23:04:00.003-07:00

Recently, I've had the regular opportunity to be around some adorable children. They are so sweet--yes, they're little monsters, but they're SO sweet. It has been a delight to be around them. Tonight, one of them did something so cute I could barely contain myself. I turned to the woman next to me (who has children in a range of ages, the oldest just about married) and said "I want a baby RIGHT NOW!" She smiled and said, "they're awfully cute, aren't they? Are you trying to have kids?" I laughed and replied, "I'm not even married yet! Let me rephrase: I want a date, and then a second date, and then a boyfriend, and then a fiance, and then a husband, and THEN a baby. I have to do it all in the right order, you know!" She laughed too, and then touched my hand and said, "You have a wonderful mother heart. I can tell just watching you how loving you are. Don't ever lose that heart!"

I was sincerely touched. I told her I was doing my best to stay gentle and loving, even though it's hard to be kind to everyone some days. . . It is good to be reminded that it's ok to be kind, especially to children. It's ok to call them "sweetie" when I see them. It's ok to let my heart be soft around them. Sometimes I think we feel like we can't allow ourselves to love because we might not get what we want to love. Yes, it's hard to love without the surety that we get to keep the loved one, but life is so much better when we allow ourselves to love spontaneously and honestly. I love the kids I get to interact with--I think I'll let myself do that without being upset about the children I don't have yet.

Movie or a play?

2011-11-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

Dinner and a movie is considered a standard date. However most will admit that a movie isn't necessarily the best date idea because there is not a lot of opportunity for conversation and getting to know each other. I was trying to explain to some new daters (recently 16) why a play (or musical), while it is similar to a movie, is actually a much better date idea. Which took me a little bit of time to figure out.

I finally realized that plays have the before (without ads and previews), intermission, and after that are open for talking. And plays more often than not give you food for thought where movies generally don't (movies are fun, don't get me wrong, and we need mindless stuff to relax from time to time, but mindless dates are not the best). Every time I've gone to a play for a date it's provided a full evening of conversation.

We have a few television shows we watch that get us talking too. "Parenthood" has started a lot of conversations about what type of parenting we want to do and where different relationships hit problems and what could've been differently to prevent it. We talk clear throughout "The Sing-Off" as we're analyzing the music and making our predictions about who is going to win the round and who is going to get cut.

I've done my share of dinner and a movie dates. They've ranged from bad to okay/good. But anything that'll get you talking is always better. And going to community theater helps support your local community too.

It's not your news to share

2011-11-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

I told my dad that I met someone. The guy with the exclamation point in his text? In this case, we really did just meet once and had a very fast dinner together a week later, his treat. That and some texting is it so far. My dad grabbed on to that story and ran with it so much so that at a recent family gathering almost everyone asked me: "So, I heard you met someone?" Even a stranger at the gym then my dad goes to and I was attending with him asked, "So I heard you met someone?"

Yes, friends and family, I met somebody. Just met him. That doesn't mean I'm going to marry him - doesn't even mean I'm going to date him. But, yes, in the true sense of the word, I have met someone. Whether or not I Met Someone is too early to tell.

When there is news of that nature, I fully expect my dad to shout it from the rooftops. However, one dinner and one meeting do not a relationship make and I don't know why my dad feels a need to share this with everyone. For all I know, it's going to show up in the family Christmas letter! I'm glad he's excited. No, really, I am. I'm excited too. I just don't know what it is yet and I certainly don't think it's worth telling strangers at the gym about.

How do you deal with an over excited parent? I think Roxie had the right idea - she allowed her mom to ask her once a month. I am ever closer to making that a requirement. I know my dad wants good things for me. I want them too. I'm glad that I can share things with my parents as they really are some of my best friends but that doesn't mean they need to share my news with everyone.

I also tire of these questions my dad has asked me lately:

Dad: Do you have any boy news you want to share?
Me: Noooo.

Dad: Have you reconnected with anyone?
Me: Are you asking if I've talked to [this guy I've met] since I got back from The Homeland?
Dad: . . . Yes.

Have you dealt with this situation? How have you found a compromise between over sharing and not sharing at all?

You Shouldn't Say

2011-11-19T15:59:00.001-07:00

Here, for your benefit, are a list of things you shouldn't say to a single person or a couple dealing with infertility.

1. "Just relax." Which goes with "It will happen when you least expect it" or its twin "Stop trying and it will happen."
Everything I've ever gotten in life was because I did something. Part of getting married is actually putting yourself out there the best you know how. People get pregnant because they do something, and in the case of infertility it's because they do a LOT of somethings. Telling someone to "just relax" is basically telling them faith doesn't need works. "Just relax" denies my works.

2. "Have you tried...? That's what worked for me."
That's wonderful. But I'm not you.

3. "I know how you feel."
Really? You've been exactly where I am with my exact background? If you have been in a similar situation it is to turn that from a "you" statement to an "I" statement. "I felt this way when..." rather than assuming you know how I feel. Or even just simply ask how I'm feeling.

4. "Everyone needs a favorite aunt." or "You can always adopt."
No, being single/infertile is not the end of the world and yes, there are other ways to be fulfilled in this life. But each person needs to figure them out on their own and it is nobody's place to say what to do next.

5. "Husbands/Kids are a lot of trouble."
I swear I'm walking out of a meeting if it ever turns into husband/kid bashing. There's a bumper sticker that says "A bad day fishing is better than a good day working." In some ways a bad day in a good marriage is better than a good day all alone.

6. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by sad puppy dog eyes of pity.
Please, hold the pity. It doesn't do anything to build anyone up. Especially if you give me pity about the area of my life that isn't going the way I want when I'm having a pretty good day in other areas of my life and would rather talk about that at the moment.

But that does not mean you should be silent and ignore reality. So here's some things you should say.

1. "Let me know if I can do anything."
And mean it. And then leave it.

2. "How are you doing?" when accompanied by genuine interest in my life as a whole.
Simply acknowledging there is more to my life than my marital/parental status is huge. When I want to talk about the marital/parental stuff I will, but if I don't bring it up, maybe you shouldn't either. The friends I appreciate the most are those who don't always press for details and who acknowledge me as a whole person.

The best response I've gotten about our infertility was when I told a friend why I couldn't schedule a meeting with her for a certain week because I wasn't sure what I'd be doing medically that week because of the next step we were taking and she replied with the most genuine and excited, "That's great!" She didn't give advice. She didn't give pity. She didn't judge. The most she's said since was to tell me once that she was thinking about us and praying for us. And isn't that what we all need.

Annoyed?

2011-11-18T17:19:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I feel like my flirter is broken because I don't get to use it very often. Every once in a while I pull it out, dust it off, and see how rusty it is. Usually, it's in pretty good shape, and I enjoy using it.

Lately, I've been put in a situation where I'm back in contact with someone I used to be interested in but who didn't return the interest in any appreciable way. For a while, I thought maybe there was something between us; we got fairly close and communicated either through text, phone, or IM almost every day. Then I discovered that he wasn't entirely over his divorce (which, to give him credit, was pretty traumatic for him) and instead of seeking help for it, he turned into a serial dater, chasing after girls more than 10 years younger than him. I quickly became uninterested and wrote him off as not worth my time.

Now I see him almost every day and will see him every other day until Christmas. Is he still attractive? Yes, he is. Is he still dating inappropriately young girls? I think he is. Do I have the uncontrollable urge to flirt with him? YES I DO. Is this really annoying? You bet it is.

Sigh.

Some of my favorites on love

2011-11-17T17:41:00.002-07:00

Mary Oliver

to live in this world, you must be able to do three things:

to love what is mortal:

to hold it against your bones knowing your own life depends on it;

and, when the time comes to let it go,

to let it go.

Some Things Go Together by Charlotte Zolotow

Pigeons with park

Stars with dark

Sand with sea

and you with me.

... Hats with heads

Pillows with beds

Sky with blue

and me with you.

I Like You by Sandol Stoddard

I like you because

If you find two four-leaf clovers

You give me one

If I find four

I give you two

If we only find three

We keep on looking.

... I like you because if I am mad at you

Then you are mad at me too

It's awful when the other person isn't

They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could

just about punch them in the nose.

... I would go on choosing you

And you would

go on choosing me

Over and over again.

Your Personal Penguin by Sandra Boynton

A penguin pleads his case to a bewildered hippo. (There is also a musical version, sung by Davy Jones from The Monkees.)

I like you a lot.

You're funny and kind.

So let me explain

What I have in mind.

I want to be your personal penguin.

I want to walk right by your side.

I want to be your personal penguin.

I want to travel with you far and wide.

Dory

No. No, you can't... STOP. Please don't go away. Please? No one's ever stuck with me for so long before. And if you leave... if you leave... I just, I remember things better with you. I do, look. P. Sherman, forty-two... forty-two... I remember it, I do. It's there, I know it is, because when I look at you, I can feel it. And-and I look at you, and I... and I'm home. Please... I don't want that to go away. I don't want to forget.

The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. Please tame me! One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox.

Said the Shotgun to the Head by Saul Williams

Have you ever lost yourself in a kiss? I mean pure psychedelic inebriation. Not just lustful petting but transcendental metamorphosis when you became aware that the greatness of this being was breathing into you. Licking the sides and corners of your mouth, like sealing a thousand fleshy envelopes filled with the essence of your passionate being and then opened by the same mouth and delivered back to you, over and over again – the first kiss of the rest of your life. A kiss that confirms that the universe is aligned, that the world's greatest resource is love, and maybe even that God is a woman. With or without a belief in God, all kisses are metaphors decipherable by allocations of time, circumstance, and understanding

C.S. Lewis

To love at all is to be vulnerable.

Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken.

If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Discouraged

2011-11-16T12:19:00.004-07:00

Roxie and I were talking the other day about how easy it sometimes is to be discouraged, and she made the point that discourage essentially means "taking away courage". Last night, I got a rejection form letter for a job I applied for, and today I feel hopeless and discouraged. I feel afraid to try anything else right now because I'm certain it won't work. I feel like I'm not good enough to try to get out of my dead-end job, that I'll be stuck here forever, gradually gaining 100 pounds through inactivity and losing whatever IQ I have through mindless repetition, eventually becoming grotesque and pointless and redundant.

I posted about being lonely a couple of days ago, and that feeling is just adding to my current spate of discouragement. Sometimes this being single business is REALLY hard.

I've been doing Jillian Michaels' 30-Day Shred program and liking it quite a bit. I haven't leveled up yet but plan to in the next week or so. There's a thing she says at the very end of Level 1, when you're doing bicycle crunches and your abs are screaming. She says, "I know it's hard. That knot in your stomach right now? It's you getting stronger. It's fear leaving your body." I really like hearing that. At first I wasn't sure what she meant, but when I figured it out, it made so much sense. It's the fear of not being able to finish that workout AGAIN, but you power through anyway, and you're done! So I guess we need to fight the fear in our lives in the same way, right?

I guess I just have to keep going through this little setback. I have to power through another set of spiritual bicycle crunches so I can come out stronger in the end. But, much like a workout routine, it's really hard to keep going when you don't see immediate results. That's what has me down today. I'm losing the courage to change my life.

My brother is a husband now

2011-11-15T17:27:00.004-07:00

The wedding was marvelous. Wonderful. Beautiful. Just as it should have been. It made me so happy to see my brother so happy and I can't even begin to describe the feeling that exists in the sealing room of the temple (where we as worthy members of the LDS church hold weddings that will be bound on earth and in heaven forever) when you witness the creation of a new eternal family, especially one that is an extension of your own. Needless to say, I cried many tears of joy watching my punk brother and his lovely bride make covenants they intend to keep always. To get married in the right place at the right time to the right person is one of the most important things about this life and I knew that my brother and new sister-in-law were doing just that.

My fears about welcoming this new person into our family? Much tempered. She was nervous about meeting me too and even texted me the day before we met that she hoped I didn't think she sucked.

I certainly do not!

I fit right into the group at her bachelorette party and comfortable around her family as I met them throughout the next few days. When it was just us, we had no awkwardness and I really started to feel like she was my sister.

My brother didn't realize until it was almost too late that by marrying her, he was bringing another woman into the family where the women already outnumber the men, making the ratio now 2:1. Almost as soon as the four of us sat around a table alone for the first time (crafting for the reception, natch), we quickly started discussing things like cervical fluid and birth control. My brother had joined us, at the insistence of his now wife, just before the conversation went the direction and almost immediately regretted that decision.

Heh. Sorry, bro, but if you're about to be married and doing the things married people do, you're going to have to learn to deal with that topic. Though I will concede you probably don't want to know how your sisters collect their menstrual fluid.

Still, it was a conversation that gave me reason to look forward to more relaxed conversations in the future. Are we BFFs yet? No, but we're on our way. We're building a relationship of trust and love and I really do like her. I was even of more assistance during the wedding dinner than her own sisters, which I think was an important bonding moment.

She suits my brother well. Their commonalities, complimentary differences, patience, and love are evident, and I have faith in the lasting nature of their relationships. I'm very glad they found each other!

Welcome to the family, sister-in-law! May we all be as lucky in love as you are now!

First dance

2011-11-14T18:09:00.001-07:00

Two years ago tonight we had our "first dance" as a married couple. We'd danced before, probably even to the same song. It felt like we were the only two people in the room.

But honestly, I think I'll like the dance we'll have tonight even more when we really will be the only two people in the room.

Last year we danced to our song in our living room on our anniversary as well, it's my new favorite tradition. Things just get more fun as we go.

Lonely

2011-11-13T16:36:00.003-07:00

In the last couple of weeks, I've had moments of loneliness. I'm surrounded by people I love and who love me, I'm happy with my life, but there are times I'm suddenly so lonely it knocks the wind out of me. I wonder, during those brief moments, if I can handle a lifetime of them. I don't want to handle a lifetime of intense, if occasional, aloneness, but I've dealt with a lot of things I wouldn't purposely seek out. I suppose if it is my lot to be single the rest of my life, I'll be blessed to be happy in the midst of my trials.

But it would really be nice to have a husband soon.

Eccentric?

2011-11-12T18:42:00.004-07:00

My dad is painting and installing closet doors lately, and after inspecting one of the doors at his request, I declared, "I love white doors, but if I feel like painting them orange, I think I will. I figure it will be my house and no one should care if I paint my closet doors orange."

That pretty much sums up my feelings on interior colors--if you want orange closet doors, why not have them? It's just a can of paint and some time, right? Besides, we could all use a little color in our lives. :)

Thank you veterans

2011-11-11T11:37:00.001-07:00

When I was younger I thought I'd probably marry a military man from Idaho. Which seems oddly specific. But I liked traveling/moving (I've since outgrown that) and I liked potatoes, a lot, like eat them every day for two weeks like them. So it seemed like a military man from Idaho would be exactly my type.

My grandpa served in WWII. He left behind my grandma and uncle to fight in Europe. He was decorated and returned home. And he didn't talk about it until a few years before he died.

My dad has friends whose names are on the Vietnam memorial.

One of my cousins served in the Marines. Another cousin married a man in the Air Force and has already been through several deployments.

I am grateful every day for the men and women who serve this country in the military and I pray their families have the strength and peace they need.

And I'd be lying if I didn't say I wasn't a little bit grateful that my younger thoughts didn't come true and I'm not one of those people who needs that much strength in my life.

Prayer and cramps

2011-11-10T21:50:00.004-07:00

I have never been one of those people who has miraculously been healed of an illness; not really. I’ve prayed when I’ve been sick, and I’ve had relief either through medication or sleep, but I’ve never had the illness leave my body instantaneously. Don’t get me wrong! I have been healed in other ways—I’ve been strengthened beyond my capacity to endure emotional and mental burdens that would otherwise have crippled me, and I am profoundly grateful for that divine intervention. There are times I’m sure I wouldn’t be alive today had my prayers not been answered, but this little post isn’t about that kind of burden.

This post is about cramps.

I’m sure we’ve all had them at one time or another. I’m pretty lucky because mine are rarely very bad; mostly just uncomfortable and annoying. I can count on one hand the times when cramps literally had me down for the count, very suddenly and out of nowhere, over the last 20-odd years. Two of those instances, I had the luxury of finding out I couldn’t go to work before I got to work. This last one, I was already at work when it hit. Now listen, I rarely take sick days. The last time I took more than one sick day was last year when I had bronchitis and was coughing my guts out for three days. I might leave work early occasionally when I haven’t had enough sleep or need to see my doctor for something, but I usually tough it out pretty well. One day last week, I couldn’t. I could hardly move. By the time I’d been at work for half an hour, I was suddenly (it's never gradual in this case) in so much pain that I was nauseated, dizzy, shaky, and very pale when I gave up on Advil and looking up pressure points online and limped down the hall to throw up in the bathroom.

I’d been chatting online with my sister and had told her I was shaking and light-headed. She’d responded by reminding me I could take more painkillers and that she’d bring me some if I didn’t have any. I thanked her and told my coworkers I’d be back in a few minutes. I don’t know how long I was gone, but it was more than a few minutes. I remember facing the toilet in that public bathroom, praying that the pain would go away somehow so that I could stay at work and function normally. I kept praying as my body decided to keep my breakfast inside. I kept praying as I washed my hands and saw how pale and shaky I really was. I prayed more as I limped back to my office. I prayed as I saw that my sister had signed off. I kept praying that the pain would recede enough that I could think.

About 20 minutes after I got back to my desk, my sister came into my office with some painkillers and one of those ThermaCare patches for cramps (a GODSEND). She asked how many Advil I’d taken and how long it had been (3, an hour earlier, which should have kicked in but hadn’t made a dent) and suggested I take a fourth immediately and another one if the 4 didn’t take in the next 45 minutes. She told me to put the heat pack on as soon as possible and to keep her posted if it didn’t work, and then she was off to her own job.

I followed her instructions, choking down another pill before limping to the bathroom to put on the heat pack. I huddled over my desk, praying still, and felt that if I could, I should find a place to sleep for even 20 minutes. I talked to my coworker and told her I wasn’t feeling well (she wasn’t surprised, based on how I looked) and needed to lie down for a while but would be back before her meeting in 45 minutes. One of the bathrooms in the building has one of those anterooms with a padded bench, a shelf, a mirror, and a light you can turn off. I made my way there, set my phone to wake me up in 40 minutes, curled up on the bench, and tried to sleep. I never went into a full-blown sleep, but I dozed enough that my body was able to calm down and restore itself so I felt much better by the time my alarm went off. I checked my color in the bathroom mirror, realizing I was much less shaky and that the pain, although still in the background, no longer made me nauseated and dizzy.

I was able to get through the rest of my work day with only a little illness, and thanked my sister again when we met for lunch, which was cottage cheese (lots of protein, which I needed) and French fries we split (carbs, which I also needed). She said it was funny because at the time I told her I was shaking and dizzy from the pain, she had gotten distracted by something and was still online. Normally she wouldn’t have been in her office on the computer just then, but something made her stay. I had prayed for relief, and she had been able to see my need and provide help. If she hadn’t been there when she was, I don’t know if I’d have been able to drive myself home—I’m not a wimp, but I really don’t know if I would have made it all the way home, let alone out of the parking lot—and I know that I wouldn’t have been able to stay at work.

She was in the right place at the right time; angels didn’t come down from Heaven to take away that awful pain (I really feel for those of you with endometriosis!), but the pain was taken away because my sister was paying attention. Was my prayer heard? You bet it was! Was it answered? Definitely. I am so grateful for a Heavenly Father who takes care of me and for a sister who follows promptings.

Sister-In-Law

2011-11-09T18:38:00.000-07:00

My brother gets married this week. My younger brother. My only brother.

Mostly, I'm so happy for him and excited to get to know this new sister he's bringing into our family.

However, there is some weirdness, which I think is mostly just getting used to the idea. You see, I've never met his future wife. I'll get to meet her a couple of days before the ceremony, but we won't have much time to really get to know each other because those days will be chock full of last-minute wedding prep and masses of other family and friends. I've met her via Skype and we've been Facebook friends for some time now, but that's hardly sufficient.

The rest of my family, on the other hand, has spent lots of time with her. Even my own blood sister, who I also haven't seen in almost two years, calls our new sister a BFF. I'm actually afraid that not being there from the beginning will hurt the rest of our relationship. I'm afraid that I'll always be this outsider and we'll never have the kind of relationship we ought to.

Of course, I'm likely paranoid. If she's as awesome as she seems from her Facebook and from reports from my brother and family, we're going to hit it off right away. And even if we don't? We have eternity to figure it out. My brother really, really loves her, so I'm going to welcome her into our family and just be excited to have a new sister!

I think the other weirdness stems from the fact that this is the first wedding in my immediate family. We've been just the five of us for nigh on thirty years, or a little more than 20 if you count when my sister joined us, and now we are six. Forever. It's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that this woman I've never met is going to be one of us for the rest of time and all eternity. Not only am I getting a sister-in-law, I am now someone else's sister-in-law!

And yes, there is a little bit of jealousy. Most of the time, as the oldest, it's my job to do things first. But not this. I promise, however, that jealousy is just a tiny part of it.

So, tell me, friends with siblings-in-law - how did you get through the weirdness of welcoming a new family member?

Story People

2011-11-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

Several years ago a friend, who I lovingly refer to as my ADHD friend (and I think everyone needs a friend like him, life is always awesome around him) gave me a book called Story People by Brain Andreas. If you are not familiar with Story People you should be. It is a delightful book with something you can relate to every few pages that will make you think or smile or laugh.

Here's a few I thought related to this blog.

Little Man - I actually really like the quirks and have no intention of ever training them out of anyone. It's our quirks that make us who we are.
Partial Enlightenment - Now this one is hitting really too close to home right now. But it's a good reminder. My life always goes better when God takes over, it's just a hard thing to let go.
Wheelbarrow - Now this is a lovely image. I'm not leaving my dreams, I'm just getting help with them. Related to the previous, I'm sure my Heavenly Father would be more than happy to help me push my wheelbarrow, I just need to let Him chose the direction.
Fast Forward - And let's dedicate this one to Jinxie, because there's definitely a lot of guys missing out there.

Blink and you might miss it!

2011-11-07T20:17:00.003-07:00

I think I got my answer about the last guy this weekend. He deliberately came over to me at a party to say hello and give me a side hug, which was nice of him. Eventually, we started talking, and I asked how things (work and school, specifically) were going. We talked for several minutes and he mentioned that his schedule would be less stressful in the coming weeks. I suggested that if that was the case, it would be nice to spend some time with him again. He nodded and said "We'll see, we'll see." with a slight hint of a smile.

But then I blinked, someone else joined us, and before I even had time to realize it, he was across the room in another conversation.

Oookay then.

I'm not holding my breath with this guy.

On the other hand, when I suggested to a different young man, via text, that we get together again when I get back from traveling, he wrote back almost immediately, saying that would be fun! Exclamation point his!

So that's something. And something is always good.

Checklist of pride

2011-11-06T18:37:00.000-07:00

Today a sister gave me back a book I'd loaned her. It's a book I've loaned out several times because it changed my perspective on things so much. It's called, "Confronting the Myth of Self-Esteem: Twelve Keys to Finding Peace" by Ester Rasband. I think everyone should read it.

After she gave it to me I was flipping through it I came across the section, in the chapter about identifying the needs of your heart, about people who live a checklist life.

I have a lot of checklists. They help me remember to do all the little things. So this section caught my eye. And as I reread it, my eyes became wet. This was the section I needed to read today.

The type of checklist talked about in the book is the one that leads us to say "I've done x, y, and z, now the Lord owes me the blessing I want." Which is something I recognized in me. There have been times, and now is one of them, when my prayer is something along the lines of, "I've done everything that is in my power, now it's your turn Lord."

We do need to do everything that is in our power, this is true. But that isn't the way to think about it, like a checklist. My prayers and thoughts should instead be "Thy will be done" or at the very least "help me accept Thy will."

When I was single I did everything I could think of. I was faithful in attending my church meetings. I expanded my talents to make sure I kept growing. I put myself out there in different ways so that it would be possible to meet people even if I would've rather just stayed home. But doing all of that won't bring peace if I'm then going to the Lord and basically saying, "What's wrong with you that everything I've done isn't enough?" Pride is never peace.

Things with that aspect of my life worked out better than I could've imagined. And I need to let that experience of putting that aspect of my life in God's hands to put my life back in His hands.

Desires for marriage and children are righteous desires. We should do all we can along those lives. But then we also need to remember not to hold it against God when he knows what is best for us better than we do. The natural man is prideful and putting him off is not easy. But it is the only way to have peace. And I could definitely use more peace in my life right now. I don't know that I'm strong enough yet to say "Thy will be done" but I can at least change my prayers to ask for help in accepting His will.

Delight

2011-11-05T21:18:00.005-06:00

Remember last time how someone mentioned I was a "young 36" and I thought part of it is that I'm still curious and sometimes silly?

Tonight, I watched "This Old House" with my family and was absolutely delighted at the tools and techniques and innovation they show every episode. I loved hearing them describe how different tools do different jobs. I enjoyed watching them demonstrate an innovative techniqe. I was fascinated by how things were put together. I wanted to learn more about some specific tools and materials!

Tonight, I put sparkly nail polish on my fingernails and am so delighted by it that I keep getting distracted while I type because it's so pretty.

This morning, I was so delighted by a small boy's running and playing that I clapped my hands and grinned like crazy.

This afternoon, I went to my church to check for some equipment I need for my lesson tomorrow, and was delighted to find the library had exactly what I was looking for.

This morning, I met a sweet cocker spaniel/blue heeler cross who licked my hand and I laughed with delight while I stroked her soft ears and watched her walk around the room.

There is SO MUCH in this world that is delightful!

Giving up hope

2011-11-04T19:11:00.000-06:00

One of my favorite quotes about hope is:

Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.
- Shawshank Redemption

I recently heard a father talking about his son who had recently gotten married. He actually said, "We'd almost given up hope" because this poor son had hit 30 before getting married.

How sad is that!?! Parents giving up hope on their kids. That's kind of rotten parenting isn't it?

Now, I'm pretty sure that isn't what that father meant, but that doesn't mean I haven't heard it many times in many places. However, the words that come out of your mouth reflect the thoughts rolling around in your head. So if you're saying you have no hope in your kids than somewhere you're thinking they are a lost cause.

I never lost hope in myself. It might have dimmed at times but it never went out. Don't lose hope. Don't let it die. Have true hope and faith.

Well, fine then

2011-11-03T12:47:00.002-06:00

Some weeks ago, I went on a really nice first date. I had asked him out to an event, but he couldn't make that evening, so he asked me to dinner later in the week.

So to dinner we went. We laughed a lot. We had great food. We went on a post-dinner walk. We talked for hours. He would go on to describe the evening as "refreshing" and that he "had a wonderful time." A few nights later, we arrived separately to a party only to spend most of the night near or with each other, leaving together and talking in his car into the small hours of the night.

For the next couple of weeks, I got a hug every time we saw each other and met a couple of his friends. Conversation was still easy and things seemed to be going well. We didn't have any more official dates, but there were still good signs in that direction.

And then they weren't. I wouldn't go so far as to say that he's avoiding me, but sometimes it feels like it. As usual, I have no idea why. I have my suspicions, but no real clue. If I ever feel it's appropriate, I might ask him what's up, but then again, I might not. Instead, I'll just move on and find someone who never leaves me hanging.

Whoever Mr. Future is, he's fantastic and never giving me reason to doubt his feelings. I'm tired of not believing something is real and then have that doubt come true.

Young

2011-11-02T13:36:00.003-06:00

I met someone the other night who knows my dad through work. When I told her hi from him, she said, "oh, he's a dear! I'll tell him I met you when I see him again!" (In order to keep this as anonymous as it is, I'm trying not to be a name-dropper. Sorry about the vagueness.) I felt inspired by this woman and refreshed on my journey to other employment/education.

Yesterday, on IM, my dad said he'd seen this acquaintance and she'd asked a little more about me. He told her my age and some other things, and her comment, which he passed on to me, was that I was a young 36. I laughingly responded that I'm a "young 36" because I haven't lost my curiosity or ability to be silly, but I really think that's one of the reasons people don't think I'm my age. What's the point of growing up if you're going to get stodgy or so focused on one thing that you're boring? If I feel like skipping down the hall, I'll skip down the hall, darn it! You can't stop me. I guarantee I'm more attractive and fun to be around that some 36-year-old who isn't willing to be silly or who isn't interested in the wonderful world around her. I haven't had a date in a few weeks, but that really has nothing to do with this kind of attractiveness. Children like to talk to me, the elderly seem to LOVE me, and people in general seem to find me easy to be around.

If wearing polka dot socks with my red shoes is the reason, I'll keep doing it, laughing to myself all the way.

You're doing it wrong

2011-11-01T10:45:00.000-06:00

I apparently did it wrong.

Lately I've heard two people say things that are often said in one way or another, and honestly, I think it's those people who are wrong, not me. I'll talk about the other person later

Last week I was at a youth event and one of the other youth leaders told one of the teenage boys that every dollar he spends on a girl before his mission is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, implying he shouldn't spend a lot on girls before his mission. Which was odd. Because every dollar a guy spends on a girl before his marriage is a dollar spent on someone else's wife, not just before his mission. It's a weird way to look at it anyway because until a guy marries a girl, some other guy is spending money on his wife. So really, stop worrying about it already and go date! (if you are over 16)

However the leader then went on to say that a young man who recently got married had "done it right" because he'd only dated one other girl after his mission before getting married. Is that really the "right" way to do it? Not all of the adults standing around know that HP and I got married in our 30s, but he did. He'd known and watched us since I moved to the same town as HP about four years ago.

So I followed up by asking him if he thought HP and I had done it wrong since we'd dated a lot of people after our missions before finding each other and getting married. Which flubbed him up a bit and he had no answer so he had to pretend I hadn't said anything.

Truth is, we didn't do it wrong, because there is no one right way to do it. Good for that couple that got married that fast. But I wouldn't have done it any other way for us. There is no wrong way.

Marry the family

2011-10-17T21:30:00.001-06:00

They say that you marry the individual and not the family. So if you don't get along with the family, or if they don't get along with your family, then it isn't their place to say anything.

Except you do marry the family.

Who I am is in large part a result of who my family is. I reflect them. I reflect how we grew up. I reflect the experiences we shared. I am my family and they are me. And the same is true of everyone. So when you marry a person, you really are marrying the family.

I dated one guy whose family I never really got along with. They never really liked me and thought I was the one who was the bad influence in the relationship. The last time I spoke with them (at his wedding) his sister wanted to give me a book so I could figure out what was wrong with me that I wasn't married. Talk about awkward.

It might be a small thing. I know people who are happily married and don't get along with their in-laws. But I also know people who don't get along with their own families, so there's that. The evil in-laws are a stereotype that I'd like to see go away. I know both of my parents got along with their parents-in-laws. My grandpas used to ask after the other one. And more than once I remember my dad's siblings asking about my mom's dad. It is totally possible to get along with in-laws.

Just like any relationship it takes work though. You've dated the individual rather than the family. Your experiences with them have been limited (which is why it is, except in extreme situations, vital to keep relationship issues within the relationship, that way when you get over it nobody else is still holding a grudge). And it takes time to build a relationship.

I met HP's family very early on, and he met mine very early too. His family still talks about that first meeting. I apparently made quite an impression. But neither of us lives near our family, so those interactions were rare. It has taken a lot more than those first meetings to develop the relationship to the point where right now I feel connected to them and can confide in them. It's taken time and communication. When he's talking to them on Sunday and I tell him to tell them I love them, I mean it. And the same goes the other way too. I've had conversations with his family that he didn't initiate, and he's had conversations with my family that I didn't initiate. And more than once this year I've told him how grateful I am that his family likes me. It makes so many things so much easier.

Now, not everyone can have that. Because while we are our family, we are also our own individuals. So it's possible to get along great with one family member and not the rest of the family. And some relationships can be stronger than others. But you do marry the family. And they are important. And in-laws are not evil.

Truths:

2011-10-02T13:36:00.004-06:00

If "all men. . .were like unto Moroni", I wouldn't be single. ;)

Teach Truth

2011-09-28T20:03:00.003-06:00

I was recently at a Relief Society meeting about standing in holy places, and specifically about making where you are standing a holy place. The couple doing the main presentation was great. At one point while she was speaking he brought all five of their children into the room and they played chase around the room while she kept talking. Excellent object lesson. Because some times it can be really hard, for one reason or another, to make where you are standing feel as holy as the temple.

After the meeting I was talking with the sister and she actually apologized to me for talking about children so much. Which really caught me off guard. She was worried she might have offended me because I don't have children. She doesn't even know about our struggles. I assured her that I was not offended in the slightest. Family, children, marriage, all of that is truth. It actually offends me more when I can tell someone is leaving things out because they don't want to offend me.

Two months ago my mother said they had a lesson in Relief Society about eternal marriage where the teacher did not talk about marriage at all because she did not want to offend the single, divorced, or widowed sisters in the ward. How do you teach a lesson about eternal marriage without talking about marriage? I have no idea.

Eternal marriage is an eternal truth. Children are an eternal truth. We are not living in the celestial world currently and so there are all kinds of situations we may find ourselves in. But the truth is still the truth. And we should never shy away from teaching truth.

Oh yes. That will work.

2011-09-19T12:14:00.003-06:00

Don't get me wrong--I love my ward. I love being in a family ward. I love the diversity of experience and age and education.

However.

I don't really love the well-meaning but slightly stupid things people say sometimes. There are many people who say well-meaning and non-stupid things, but the few who say things that are actually stupid are the ones who drive me batty. Yesterday one of them metaphorically cornered me after church. She and her husband are parents of several boys of varied ages. The older ones aren't married yet and they're getting worried, so she told me of her husband's solution: get all the single people together, line them up facing each other, arrange them by height and age, and then just pair them off.

Yes.

While my brain was thinking "good heavens!" my face was friendly and amused and I laughed as I engaged in that particular conversation. I admit I HAVE had moments when I appreciate the idea of arranged marriages, but know that it's no way to "solve the singles problem". Just marrying someone the same age and taller than me won't mean I'll be happy or that it's right. I know a lot of tall guys around my age, and there is at least one you couldn't PAY me to marry. This is the 21st Century! I am not considered property and I am NOT a problem to be solved. I suppose some people still don't see that a single person can be pretty darn happy with her life as it is.

Still, I can't help smiling because she seemed so concerned for my welfare. Bless her for that!

Things I won't say

2011-08-21T22:16:00.005-06:00

That I won't cry if Campbell gets engaged to this girl he's dating.

That I'm completely over even the idea of a relationship with him.

That I'm not a tiny bit shallow because I think she has bad skin and brassy hair and that I'm prettier.

That I'm not a tiny bit at peace with it all.

That we didn't have potential for something awesome.

That I don't miss his friendship.

That I'm not confused by the way things worked out.

I will say that I wish I understood why we were such good friends if he's not going to be part of my life ever again.

I will also say that I'm working on a much longer post wherein I try to be philosophical and hopeful even though another Person With Potential no longer has any potential.

It's hard. What's that line from "When Harry Met Sally"? Oh yes--Marie turns to Jess and says, "Tell me I'll never have to be out there again," and Jess replies, "You'll never have to be out there again." Out There kind of sucks. This whole balancing act between not liking someone enough and liking them too much JUST IN CASE he might or might not like-like you back? It's stupid. It's exhausting. I'm tired. I'm usually optimistic enough to accept set-ups (few and far between as they are) with good humor and an open mind, but the latest guy, The Professor (I think that's what I'll call him if anything pans out), has been exchanging emails with me for a month and hasn't made a single move. All I really want is the reassurance that I don't have to be on this particular balance beam/roller coaster/seesaw very much longer, and that there will come a day (soon, please) where I know I'll never have to be Out There again.

I won't say I'm looking forward to much of anything right now. Sigh.

Who does she think she is?

2011-08-21T18:41:00.003-06:00

I wasn't planning on discussing Sk8er Boi here again, but that was before he announced on Facebook that he's in a relationship now. Not only did they go "Facebook public", but he actually posted about how it might upset people because he said he wasn't going to date anyone for awhile but he is and he cares about her.

I actually think he was talking to me.

And guess what? I was a little upset. Less than two months after he ended things with me because he wasn't ready to be in any relationship, he has an official girlfriend and they went Facebook public, which I never quite was and we never did.

I guess it was me after all.

I spent most of Friday really mad. At him. At myself, since I was mad that this still made me so mad. And, as always, at the situation. Why does she get to be his girlfriend when we could never make it that far? Why would he let an accomplished, intelligent me go in favor of whoever this girl thinks she is? Why am I judging someone I don't even know? (She came into his life during our relationship, but we never actually met.) When is it my turn?

RAWR.

I felt better on Saturday, and I've felt even better today. This development in his life changes nothing in mine. I have no reason to believe he was lying to me at any point, so I guess he really didn't think he was ready. They're a better match anyway, since we were so unlikely. He did care about me then. Eventually I'll get over the fact that he's sharing intimate things with someone new, and eventually I'll get to have some of my own intimate moments again. As I said then, it really did come down to bad timing and an unlikely match. One day I'll get those right.

In the meantime, I had a nice little chat, in person, with a new crush today. We met a few weeks ago, and even though we hadn't seen each other in almost two weeks he randomly added me on Facebook last night. He must have been thinking about me . . .

Of attraction and "You Never Know"

2011-08-14T14:35:00.005-06:00

I DO know. I know that I am NOT attracted to men who are shorter than me, thinner than me, or who have smaller feet and hands than I do.

At nearly 5'9", I'm a taller-than-average woman. I have long arms and legs, and, yes, bigger-than-average feet and hands. Thanks to genetics, they're well-proportioned and well-shaped, with long slender fingers and toes (my second toe is nearly as long as my pinky finger, which is fun to demonstrate when people don't beleive me). If anything other than average, my bone structure is on a slightly smaller scale, but I'm not one of those size 2 women with a 24" waist. I am, I think, at a fairly healthy weight--the 20 pounds I've gained over the last several years at a desk job haven't made a HUGE difference in my overall size, and I've never gone past a certain weight (either low or high) so my body is pretty set within a 30 pound range of what I weighed in high school (I was pretty skinny during puberty).

While most of my friends were getting over their gawky stage, I was in the thick of it at 17. I'd grown an inch and a half sometime between junior and senior years, and I grew an additional half inch (and half a shoe size) after high school. I was suddenly taller than a lot of my friends and felt awkward and gangly--thank goodness for childhood dance lessons, or I'd probably have been even MORE clumsy. I had these arms and feet and legs that got in the way and for a while I could walk down the middle of a wide hallway and still end up with bruises on my elbows.

My feet were average until 8th grade, when I suddenly realized I couldn't borrow my mom's shoes anymore. By the time I was 15, I was wearing size 9 shoes and I was only 5'4" tall; I felt like a clown. I have a difficult time finding gloves big enough to accommodate the space between my index finger and my thumb, but small enough that my fingers aren't swimming in them. Long enough skirts and pants are also hard to find, and I won't get into my shoe issues except to say that I'm so grateful I don't also have wide feet. I feel for those of you who do, especially if your feet are a size 9 or more.

Although I've maintained my weight and I'm not quite overweight for my height, I know it's a possibility if I don't exercise. I see women at work who have been in desk jobs for 15 or 20 years and have gained a lot of weight. It wears on them; one woman can't walk down the hall without panting and sweating. I honestly think that the hand genetics dealt me doesn't include the morbid obesity card, but that doesn't mean I get a free pass. I don't want to get too thin, either, because that would be unhealthy. Women who talk about wanting to get back to their high school weight don't realize that I didn't start puberty until I was 15. If I ever get as thin as I was in high school (somewhere between 120 and 130 pounds), there is probably something very wrong with me.

Now that I've established my size history, perhaps you'll understand that when my ex-fiance (just two inches taller than me) quoted the weight loss goal he was trying to attain, and it was just 10 pounds more than the weight I already was, I felt very insecure talking to him about my extra weight. He said he wasn't bothered by my high heels, but in the end I think he was. I felt huge around him sometimes even though he was stronger than me.

I don't want to feel huge around my husband. I am insecure about enough things that I don't want to be insecure about my weight, shoe size, height, or hands. When I've held hands with men whose fingers are shorter than mine, I feel huge (unless their hands are actually BIGGER). I work with an attractive man who I outweigh by 30 pounds, so I don't even go there. I was once cast in a play opposite a man who was 2 or 3 inches shorter than me and at least 35 pounds thinner. I did my best to act the part well and to let my character be attracted to him, but it was a huge relief when he had to drop the show and was replaced by someone much taller. I've been out with wonderful men with small hands and feet and, much as I like them as friends, I'm much more comfortable around someone bigger than me. I like feeling secure that if something happened to me, the man I'm with could easily help me get to safety.

I am just not attracted to men who are smaller than me. I wouldn't go out with one in pursuit of a relationship. So for all those women who say "you never know!" I would like to say, YES. I DO know. I don't think God wants me to be in an eternal marriage with someone to whom I'm not attracted, and I am not attracted to men who are shorter or thinner than me, so stop assuming I'm just being picky and close-minded. I really do mean it when I tell you that I won't marry someone with smaller feet than me--I really don't need him trying on my shoes and commenting on how big they are. . .

Insecurities

2011-08-10T21:43:00.003-06:00

If there was one thing I could change about my body it would be the hair on my legs. (And my eyes, I'd get them lasik-ed, we're working on that.) No matter how I remove the hair on my legs, the hair can't figure out how to grow back. I've shaved. I've done several different chemicals - got a first degree burn on my legs once doing that. I've finally settled on an epilator because that's the easiest upkeep and there's no stubble.

No matter how I do it though I end up with ingrown hairs that leave my legs looking like I got attacked by an entire swarm of mosquitos. I've had inch long hairs finally come out before. It's crazy. I see other women with their spotless legs and can't help having a little bit of envy. I exfoliate real well and that helps a little, but there's always at least a few spots on my legs. And I'm VERY self-conscious about it.

Which is why the comments people make about my legs stick in my memory something good. It's my major insecurity about how I look and when people comment it feeds my insecurity because it indicates that people are noticing and wondering what is wrong with me. I've had several people make comments about bug bites. I've had a few people ask me if I had issues shaving. It's not fun because I really do like the shape of my legs a lot, but I'm embarrassed to show them off because of the way my skin is.

HP is a legs man. He's mentioned that to me several times. And he's mentioned to me several times how much he really likes my legs. Not once though has he ever said anything about the spots. And that means a lot to me. I've thanked him for that a few times and he always replies with something along the lines of, "What spots?"

Without even knowing my insecurities he calms them down. He's a good man.

And, because I love comics, here's another good man helping calm his wife's insecurities - For Better of For Worse

Just like dad

2011-07-28T13:50:00.003-06:00

My parents visited earlier this year and discovered that HP likes a particular television show. After returning home my dad started watching the show, even though he doesn't like it. His reason was so he could "bond" with HP. Which is sweet. But I thought surely there must be something they could both do that they would both like.

I spent quite a while trying to figure out what that might be. I'd think of something my dad enjoys and then realize that that is something he and I share. And then I'd think of something HP enjoys and realize that is something that he and I enjoy. The only thing I could think of that they have in common is me, and even that is different between them (thankfully).

And I found the whole situation strange. Growing up my dad was the ultimate example of what a husband and father should be. If I was asked to make a list of the guy I wanted to marry, it would've been all the attributes my dad had, even down to some of his physical characteristics.

And then there's HP. Who matches pretty much none of that list. And yet that's perfectly okay. They both have a strong testimony and love of the Gospel. And that's really the most important. They'll find something to bond over eventually.

A major facepalm

2011-07-13T13:45:00.006-06:00

Once upon a time, a boy and a girl met. He was a massive flirt, she was working on it. He asked her to prom, she accepted, and they had the first of many lovely evenings spent together.

Over the next eight years, this boy and this girl were somewhat on and off again. They went from friends to dating to back to friends to losing touch for over a year, maybe two, to friends to dating to friends, to, well you get the idea.

Then one day, having grown up a little, they decided to really give a relationship a shot. The boy was going to end things with the girl he was currently seeing; the girl was going to wait patiently. Or at least wait.

Once his previous relationship was over, things were starting to look up for this young couple. They'd known each other for quite some time by now, so they were able to skip all the "getting to know you" bits and go straight to the heart of the matter. Long, in depth conversations were had. They grew closer, and the girl suspected she might actually be falling in love.

The one unsuspecting Friday, the boy announced that the Last Girl was pregnant, and it was his, and the timing was such that it must have happened AFTER This Girl was told they had ended it.

This Girl was absolutely shocked. The boy was a returned missionary from their church and they'd spent time together in the temple, wherein they'd both made covenants to wait until marriage. So how could Last Girl be pregnant, especially after their breakup!?

This Girl did exactly what you might expect her to do. She expressed her extreme disappointment and proceeded to end their relationship, friendly or otherwise, and cut off all communication. Nearly a decade of friendship, at the very least, thrown out the window.

That was three years ago. Occasional attempts have been made by the boy to resume contact, but they've been either ignored or met with a negative response.

Until today. For some reason, This Girl is still on his list of people he emails interesting links to things. These come through once every several months, but today she asked him to remove her from this list, and thanked him.

His response?

"Done. You'll never hear from me again. -Boy"

Holy petulant response, Batman.

Look, sir, This Girl wishes you well, is no longer angry, and hopes you get the best in life, honestly, but wants no part of it, and you can hardly be surprised or hurt by it.

I, I mean, This Girl won't be responding and honestly hope that he grows up someday.

Hanging In There

2011-07-07T13:27:00.003-06:00

Well, it's been two weeks since the demise of my relationship with Sk8er Boi. I'll be honest, I still miss him, though it is transitioning from missing him to just missing being in something.

This is a good sign.

I still get really angry sometimes and go through all the "Why not this time? When do I get to be happy? Why does no one else notice me?" and bang my fists into my pillows. Sometimes, I still get really sad, like someone is missing.

I still want to text someone (usually him) goodnight, but who in the world wants to hear from me late at night?

I long for a hug. A good one. That neither person wants to end.

I really hate this conversation:

Well-meaning person I know: How's/Where's Sk8erBoi?

Jinxie: He's well, I'm sure/I don't know. We actually broke up.

Well-meaning person I know: Oh, I'm sorry! Why?

Jinxie: Timing.

If it's a friend, and a private conversation, maybe I'll go more into it, and maybe they already knew anyway. Acquaintances at church who met him once at a party? I'm not going into that, thankyouverymuch.

I wonder if he thinks about me.

On the bright side, I'm getting back into my usual sleeping schedule. I have more positive hours and days than not. I have some really incredible friends, and I'm glad to be spending time with them. And tonight, I might actually fold the laundry I haven't touched (other than to dig clothes out of) for weeks.

As always, I'm taking it one day at a time. Yes, the relationship was only two months (or so) long, but considering my recent (as in the last 6 years) history, that's pretty significant, and it's a real loss. I'm allowed to take some time and mourn it and get back to the business of me. Considering some other shakeups to my schedule that happened around the same time that have freed up other non-date evenings, it's no wonder I'm feeling a little lost right now. It's bizarre, since I remember what it was like to be totally single and thriving, since it was only April for heaven's sake, so why do I feel so wander-y?

It's coming. I feel the healing and the joy returning and I will take back my life. Something better is out there, and I'm on my way.

And that is a good feeling.

See ya later, boy

2011-07-01T10:42:00.003-06:00

Well, I guess I was right to worry. Sk8er Boi apparently did spend time on his vacation thinking things through about his life and our relationship and decided we couldn't have one and he came back and we broke up. Then I got so sad that I haven't been able to eat or sleep the way I should, let alone write about it.

Short version: It sucks.

Longer version: We were an unlikely match right from the beginning. He's several years my junior and we're, appropriate to our age differences, at different places in our life and career paths - in that I have one and he doesn't - not to mention several other differences between us. Originally, and we discussed it length on our second date, we weren't concerned yet. Aware, not stupid, but not concerned. We'd take things slow and figure out just how big of a difference our differences were as they came up.

While he was soaking up sun rays, he finally realized that he's a little lost right now and doesn't know what direction to go and can't give me the time and attention I deserve while he figures it out. It's not me, he assured me repeatedly, I'm special and "not going to be just another girl" that he dated, but we can't be together right now. He still has feelings for me.

It makes sense, really. I sincerely appreciate that he had the maturity to realize that and the guts to tell me in person. I'm not even mad at him, just mad at the situation. He's the most fun I've had in a long time and the only man who's really looked at me like he did for ages. I really miss him

Maybe one day we'll get our timing right. Maybe I'll find someone else even better.

Until then, I had some wonderful friends rally around me last weekend. I've changed my hair a little. And I have three parties to attend this weekend, one full of all new (to me) people, since I only know the host.

It's going to be okay. I wish Sk8er Boi well, and know that this may the end of us, it's not the end of me.

Faith and Prayer

2011-06-22T15:32:00.001-06:00

Every six months or so I spend my daily commute on public transportation reading the Conference edition of the Ensign (the rest of time I do my pleasure reading). Recently I was reading the Conference report from April Conference. And these paragraphs from Elder Nelson's talk made me tear up:

If we pray with an eternal perspective, we need not wonder if our most tearful and heartfelt pleadings are heard. This promise from the Lord is recorded in section 98 of the Doctrine and Covenants:

“Your prayers have entered into the ears of the Lord … and are recorded with this seal and testament—the Lord hath sworn and decreed that they shall be granted.

“Therefore, he giveth this promise unto you, with an immutable covenant that they shall be fulfilled; and all things wherewith you have been afflicted shall work together for your good, and to my name’s glory, saith the Lord” (D&C 98:2-3).

The Lord chose His strongest words to reassure us! Seal! Testament! Sworn! Decreed! Immutable covenant! Brothers and sisters, believe Him! God will heed your sincere and heartfelt prayers, and your faith will be strengthened.

Elder Russell M. Nelson
Face the Future with Faith, Ensign, May 2011, p. 35

Oh the tearful and heartfelt pleadings I've had with my Father over the years. And they have been heard. And they have been answered. And the answers are always more than I could have imagined. This is a truth I know.

It was also apparently a truth I needed to be reminded of now. I pulled out my notes from when I was listening to Conference live and I'd marked a couple of talks as being just for me. This was not one of them, in April. It is a talk I need in June.

I'm so grateful for all the different ways we can interact with Conference. Watching it live. Reading the talks. Watching the DVDs (I put them on when I'm getting ready for Church Sunday mornings). If I didn't know better I'd swear what they say changes every time I hear the words. But I could say the same things about the scriptures changing to be exactly what I need when I open them.

Pray with faith. Pray for faith.

Cravings

2011-06-21T10:18:00.006-06:00

Sk8er Boi and I saw each other every day for over two weeks and at least talked (usually via text) every day for the two months since we'd been dating. Then he left on a week long roadtrip to his hometown and I haven't heard from him much since he's been gone.

No worries, I told myself. He's just busy with his family and old friends. He did say that he hated to leave you for a week and it would suck if you found someone else while he was gone. He's been quick on the response when you've texted him, which hasn't been all the time or even each day because you're not a crazy needy person, and initiated the conversation at least once.

There was no indication anything was wrong before he left - why would that change?

My guy friends all assured me that I was right. There wasn't anything to be concerned about. He'd get back soon and return to his usual habits of saying good morning every day and all would be well.

But I couldn't shake that niggling little doubt brought on by years of guys going ghost on me for no discernible reason and all associated insecurities. We're also not officially defined as boyfriend/girlfriend yet, so there's a certain lack of commitment from both parties. I've had a hard time focusing on going about my daily routine and tried to mentally list all the reasons he might have for having spent his vacation talking himself out of us and then listing all the reasons why those reasons were crazy and he wouldn't think that.

I hate it. I'm a classic overthinker and it really, really, really is hard to stop. There was absolutely nothing I could do but wait for Sk8er Boi to come home, but my brain wouldn't stop.

Until today, when I had yet another talk about it with one of my Four Old Guys (that I actually share with Roxie) and he reminded me of the physiological implications of a separation of this nature and it was like a lightbulb had finally turned on!

I've likened breakups to withdrawals from drug addiction and science has too, so why wouldn't a temporary separation have similar implications? It's tempered only by the fact that it IS temporary and we'll be together again soon. I overdosed on Sk8er Boi and the endorphins I experience by being with him before he left, so I miss my fix and that feel good sensation of his presence and attention.

So why isn't he going through something similar? That's easily explainable too. He's with his family and some long-time friends that give him that same pleasurable feeling of love and acceptance that he gets from being with me and his friends where we live, so he isn't experiencing the same need that I am. I've noticed that when I'm in the presence of friends of my own this last week, I've felt more at peace with the situation and now I know it's because I was feeling those love endorphins I so need right now!

Basically, my feelings can be summed up like this:

I'm not broken, or crazy. I'm human. I should see Sk8er Boi tomorrow. Everything is most likely totally fine, and I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

Bishops and being single

2011-06-10T23:56:00.004-06:00

Last Sunday the first counselor in our bishopric was changed for the third time (meaning four first counselors) since we joined this ward a year and a half ago. The counselor being released seems like a good enough guy, but I never interacted with him really at all (nor the two previous ones). Which made me think about other bishoprics I've known.

I know who our bishop is. He knows my name. But beyond a handshake at meetings or the interviews for callings, I haven't interacted with him much at all. Which seems strange, maybe.

When I was single I KNEW my bishops. They had me in their home. I knew their families. I knew I could call them at any time day or night and they'd turn the porch light on and be there (I think that's true of all bishops and all the members of their wards, but how many of you would feel comfortable doing that? I not only felt comfortable, I did it at least once). Dinners. Interviews. Activities. My bishops were very much a part of my life.

And you know what. That's what I needed then. The priesthood was in my home through my bishops and home teachers. But I really don't need that type of relationship now. Maybe part of that change is because I'm married and I have my husband as my nearest priesthood holder.

I respect all of the bishops I have had. When I needed them to be a larger part of my life, they were. If I ever need it again I know they'll be there. But they can focus on a few people who probably need them more than I do right now.

2011-06-06T14:03:00.002-06:00

"Sorry, fairy tale lovers, but true love is something reserved, by and large, for virgins. True love is for the chaste. True love is for married couples, we who do the work and take the oath of marriage, and devote our lives. You cannot get what we have without doing what we do, no matter what your toothpaste commercial philosophy might say."

Something to think about.

Broken

2011-05-25T19:57:00.006-06:00

I've told many stories about past dates. There is one that I haven't talked about really at all I don't think, at least not directly. And there are many reasons. Maybe I should.

We were together for more than three years, off and on. There were good times. Good memories. But those were also the darkest times of my life.

I've heard stories of women in abusive relationships and I've wondered what must be going through their mind that they don't leave. Why would anyone stay in a situation like that?

And I always said it would never happen to me.

So what is going through their mind? They're thinking, "I can change him." They're thinking, "If he's with me at least he's not hurting someone else." They stay because they can't think of any way out. They start to think maybe they deserve what they are getting. They think they aren't worth anything else.

How do I know that? Because it happened to me. Because those were my thoughts.

I was too blind to see it coming. It took me a long time to see it even after it was over. People might describe me as having a strong character, strong testimony, strong confidence and esteem. But it still happened to me. I was never physically injured, which might be why I didn't recognize it. My scars aren't visible.

I would get to the breaking point, ready to walk away. More than once I said I regretted meeting him. And then he'd be sweet again. He'd apologize so sincerely. He'd tell me how much he needed me and how he never wanted to hurt me. The next time the breaking point was even further down.

It was a spiral down to hell.

I think by the end he had actually broken me. I was a shell of who I had been. I'd convinced myself it was what I deserved and I'd brought it upon myself.

I don't think it was something he consciously did. I imagine it would completely floor him if he realized it. He still sees us as being good friends and has been surprised at how far I've gone to cut him out of my life now. He's not the person he was back then, he's better. But I don't know him now. And I don't need the memory of who he was in my life. Forgiveness is not a free pass back into your life.

Now that I see what he did, I also see signs that his mother did it to him. I never knew where I stood with her, and it seemed he never did either. She's sweet and loving one day, and tearing you down the next. It's what he knew. He was also dealing with some mental addictions that only exacerbated the problem and contributed to his state of mind and how he viewed women. None of that excuses it. But sometimes an explanation helps.

Pulling myself out of that hole was hard. It left me wary. I'm afraid of watching other people end up there and that they won't see the warning signs that I can see now. I'm afraid they won't listen to the warnings of others because I didn't.

Forgiving him was hard and went in jumps and spurts. Forgiving myself was even harder. Both were possible. The atonement is just that amazing. Christ healed my broken heart.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he hath anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor; he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to preach deliverance to the captives, and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty them that are bruised,
Luke 4:18

Communication isn't dead

2011-05-18T13:57:00.004-06:00

As someone who has had a very long string of dates/encounters/not quite relationships that failed due to a complete lack of communication and a dearth of honesty, I am really enjoying how well my new guy and I communicate.

(Sidenote: He needs a nickname. I'll work on that.)

I really appreciate how open he is about how he's feeling about his past, his present, and, most especially, us, and that I can do the same. We had a really great discussion last night about how neither of us are dating anyone else and we don't want this to end anytime soon, but he's not ready to ask me to be his girlfriend just yet. He only got out of his last long-term relationship a week before asking me out, and it had ended so badly that he just wants to take his time this go-round. In fact, he brought the topic up, all of his own accord. This isn't the first time we've had an open discussion about us, and I'm just so thrilled that we already having such good talks about our relationship. As you know, I hate playing the guessing game and it's discussions like last night's that remind me I really don't have anything to worry about right now.

Sure, sometimes he teases me mercilessly and doesn't always tack on something shmoopy when saying hello in the morning, but then we have quiet and honest conversations about where we're headed and he hugs me so completely that I know we're okay.

In this age of texting, Facebook, and all manner of instant gratification, it's wonderful to find out that it hasn't completely killed heartfelt communication (though I do recommend Single Blonde in the City's thoughtful post on the matter). I had wondered, before this relationship started blooming, if I was ever going to have long conversations late into the night filled with both laughter and tears and really connect with someone again. The last time I was in a truly serious relationship, Facebook was still brand new and only open to certain universities and texting hadn't quite taken off the way it has now.

But we do talk, openly, and it is fantastic. I know him well enough and am comfortable enough in this relationship to know that the fact he wasn't talking much at dinner last night was because we were in a loud sports bar with over 50 televisions. It was no reflection on me at all, even though he teased that maybe he brought me there because he was tired of hearing me talk. However, I can tell the difference between his teasing voice and his honest voice and this was definitely the former, especially since it was coupled with his mischievous grin.

Silly boy.

There really is something different about this one, and I'm loving it.

Disappointed

2011-05-15T00:28:00.004-06:00

I was able to spend my evening in the temple after a day of (bits of) reorganizing and dejunking and I felt SO GREAT after I was done in the temple, and then I went to the store and was hit with a wave of disappointment. I'm not entirely sure what set it off, but I know part of it had to do with the sudden awareness that someone avoided me and I don't know why he did. He flashed past my peripheral vision on his way to the check-out and by the time I realized he'd walked right past without even a nod, he was gone. He also isn't following my Twitter feed anymore, which just added to the disappointment. I'm fully aware that sometimes I whine and complain on Twitter--it's a defense mechanism, I guess, so I don't take it out on people within a physical radius--but I've tried really hard to be positive or at least funny. Maybe I'm not positive or funny enough, but then I saw a group of friends at a wedding reception last night who kept telling me how positive and funny I was. Go figure.

As I ate my very late dinner of peanut butter toast and a glass of milk, I got to thinking about other recent disappointments:

David tells me how great I am, asks when I'm going to visit him, consults me on his house remodel, says if he had a million dollars he'd buy me a new car, tells me I'm pretty. . .and then vents about how he can't find anyone pretty/smart/faithful enough to marry.

Campbell hasn't talked to me in more than 3 months and I don't know what I did to earn his repulsion. The last time he talked to me, he mentioned how he hadn't been able to find anyone to interest him so he was resorting to an online dating profile--keep in mind he said all this while showing me pictures of his family and sitting right next to me on my couch and complimenting my outfit and remembering conversations we had months ago and winking at me occasionally. What gives?!

The General obviously thinks I'm too old for him, even though we're barely a year apart. I saw him this week, too, and he updated me on his life after giving me a great big hug, but I know he's more interested in chasing 20-year-olds (and acting like one) than in someone who can meet him intellectually.

Ken has known me for almost 20 years and is one of the funniest and sweetest people I know, and on the rare occasions we actually see each other, we seem to get along pretty well and have a variety of mutual interests. There's probably potential for something at some point (I know that could be the case with a lot of people), but we live 40 miles apart and I'm not nearly as athletic as the girls he probably wants to date.

Super Girl seems to change her personality to exactly match whoever she's dating, and this time is no exception. It's bad enough that I'm worried I won't even be able to talk to her again without feeling like I'm being judged for everything from what I eat to the books I read. She's a strong, independent woman who has done SO much to improve her life that it kills me to see her subsume so much of herself just because she's seeing someone new. I feel like I've lost the close friend I had a couple of years ago, and I don't know if it's even worth fixing now.

Diane moved back to the state to live with her parents and transfer to another job, and I am almost emotionally exhausted just thinking about her living in the same city as me again. Needless to say, I am ignoring any attempts on her part to renew a relationship of any kind. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to let that person back into your life, right?

So, I am having one of those rare "why aren't I good enough" nights. I feel exactly good enough in the temple, exactly good enough around a few people, but there are times I wonder what in the world is wrong with me--am I not friendly enough? Don't I laugh enough? Do I have hobbies that are too weird? Is it a turn-off that I love cats and babies? Should I make more of an effort to wear mascara every day? Am I too smart or opinionated? Am I too much of a homebody? Am I just too old?

Sometimes I honestly don't understand what part of me is so horrifying that no one wants to spend any time with me.

A grateful guest

2011-05-12T00:32:00.001-06:00

If you haven't seen yet, Laura at Living a Big Story is doing a wonderful Mother's Day series this month with 12 different women as guests writing about their experiences. Each woman has her own story to tell of who she is and the journey she has traveled. The series is about some of those different journeys.

On May 11th, I was the guest. I feel very honored and grateful that she felt I had a story she could share on her blog. My post is titled "I Needed Those Ten Years." Go check it out, as well as all the other wonderful stories the women are sharing. And then maybe find a place to share your own story.

Family of One?

2011-05-10T21:21:00.002-06:00

The First Presidency message in April 2007 was by President Faust and was titled "Enriching Your Marriage." Why do I remember this four years later?

In 2007 I was single. I was living alone. I wasn't really dating anyone. And I was also in a really rough spot in my life. When the calendar switched over from 2006 to 2007 I actually broke down in tears because I was terrified of what would happen in 2007, and it was a killer of a year. I had read the message before my home teachers came that month and I was looking forward to discussing it with them. However, when they came, they shared with me an article in Wired magazine about happiness. Wired? Really? As someone seriously struggling with depression at that moment, that was not what I needed to talk about.

So why would my home teachers choose to share something from Wired rather than the message from someone we sustain as a prophet? I can only conclude that they felt extremely uncomfortable talking about strengthening a marriage with someone that wasn't married. (I was not in a single's ward at the time, my home teachers were married. I think that's important to realize.) And why would that make them uncomfortable? Because single people don't have any family.

Right?

WRONG!

That is something I have heard so many times I couldn't begin to count. You're single. You don't have any family. And it couldn't be more wrong.

Even when I was single, even when I lived all alone, I had family. I have parents. I have siblings. I have grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, so much family. And I had the promise from God of more family after me, a husband and children. I don't know anyone who doesn't have room to strengthen their relationships with their family. The more I knew about having a strong marriage before I got married, the stronger foundation my marriage would have.

Single people don't have family? The people I know who have the BEST relationship with their families are often single people. My dad's cousin never married, but she knows our family better than anyone. If you want to know anything about my genealogy on that side, ask her. When she leaves this world there will be SOOO many family members to welcome her, and she KNOWS them. She has a very strong relationship with her family.

I even had family home evening when I was single (it often involved a bubble bath). The more strength I had with my family at that time would be strength I could take with me into my expanding family. Habits do not change at a wedding. Habits that enrich and strengthen a family start long before a wedding.

Family of one? Such a thing just doesn't exist.

Nailbiter

2011-05-06T13:23:00.007-06:00

The very beginning of relationship is so much fun, right? The giggling when he does something so sweet, the anticipation of that first kiss (or even the 27th, because it's still so new), wondering what he has planned for your next date. The butterflies. The new sparks. That first time you hold hands.

Except I kind of hate it.

In the midst of all that new and exciting cuteness, there's the insecurity that comes from none of your last several guys making it past a month for often indiscernible reasons, so why should this time be any different? There's the fact that you're still learning to communicate with each other, and you're not quite sure when he's teasing or being serious or what his love language is and neither is he about you.

Today, for example, we sent text messages back and forth for a few hours and instead of focusing on the the facts that he called me "hun" twice in one text last night, then sent me a text relatively soon after waking today, and our texts today ranged from intellectual to flirty and remained constant until he got to work, my brain keeps pointing out that he hasn't called me by any term of endearment yet today, nor have we set up any plans for tomorrow when we're both finally free, and that I had to initiate our conversation after work last night.

Why, brain? Why?

I would much rather be in that comfortable middle ground, where you're definitely in a relationship and while there are still risks and potential exits, it's more secure. You know each other better, can read each other's moods, and are cementing stronger communication patterns to work out the little kinks or even the not so little ones.

Yes, the beginning of something new can be crazy awesome. I happen to love that we text each other good night and good morning and talk everyday, even if we don't see each other more than two or three times a week yet. Considering the circumstances of his last relationship and how it ended, I'm pretty sure he's not a runner. I just have to remember to take a breath. We're taking things slow and talking LOTS, so we're good. We have to go through this insecure part to get to the comfortable middle anyway.

Am I crazy? Have you experienced the same thing? Should I just ask if he still wants to go out tomorrow and stop worrying about it?

So Sweet

2011-04-28T13:39:00.003-06:00

He apologized the other night for not holding my hand. We were out walking in my neighborhood and it was hot out and about a half-mile in he suddenly says, "Hey. Sorry I'm not holding your hand right now. I get sweaty palms and don't really dig holding hands outside when it's like this."

"Oh. Well, I wasn't worried. I mean, I'd thought about it, but I wasn't stressing or anything."

"Ok good. I'm glad."

And then this afternoon, he apologized for not texting me yet. It wasn't that he wasn't thinking about me, just that some other stuff has been on his mind today and sometimes that makes him a little anti-social.

+10 for thoughtfulness

Roxie and the Single's Ward

2011-04-18T09:05:00.000-06:00

All three of us have had our experiences with single's/student wards and stakes. And since the LDS Church announced last week that they are doing away with the "student" designation of those units and instead designating them all as YSA (young single adult) units for all single people between the ages of 18 and 30, this seemed like a good time to talk about the different experiences we've had, because they have been different.

I actually started life in a single's ward. My dad had been in a leadership position when he got married and they asked him to stay on after he got married. So my mom married into a single's ward and I was soon on the way. Shortly after I was born they released my dad and our family moved into a family ward.

My single's ward experiences of memory mainly came during college. I went to BYU and attended the student wards the whole time I was there. For the most part they were pretty good. And while I was that age they served their purpose. My last year though I could tell I was starting to out grow them (at the ripe old age of 23). And there were a few things they were doing that really rubbed me wrong.

Yes, this is a family oriented church, and I'll have more on that at a later date. But the point of the gospel is to bring salvation to our souls, not to get everyone married as fast as possible. And the last two stakes I was in at BYU seemed to have that a little backwards.

The stake I was in the summer before my last year had a fireside for all the engaged, and prospectively engaged, couples in the stake. I didn't go, as there was something wrong with me in college that I didn't date, but my roommate went. And my roommate and her fiancé actually walked out early. In an effort to talk about how important talking and communication is in a marriage, including about sex, they had very well drawn images of the different parts of the body involved in sex that they showed everyone and talked about. Seems a little off for a Sunday evening fireside in a large group setting. Seems a little more appropriate for an individual meeting with a bishop.

After that summer I moved apartments and ended up in a different stake. This stake had a stated policy of changing which apartments met together for Monday night every month so that people would meet more people and get married faster. They also kept statistics on each ward in the stake and made graphs of how many people were attending sacrament meeting, how many were attending Sunday School, how many were doing their home and visiting teaching, and the last graph was of how many people in each ward got engaged each month. Seriously!? I was very proud to never be on that graph. And when I moved out of that apartment after graduation I also left the single's wards.

I was in a family ward for the next six years and loved it. It was a younger ward (we had nine nurseries at one point and only ever had one young man). I didn't feel at all like an outsider. I fit in. I served in several callings. Some of my best friends are from that ward. And it was because of that ward that I met the man who eventually became my husband (one of my friends in the ward set us up). It was not a single's ward that put us together. In fact, if I had been in a single's ward I'm not so sure we would have met. I actually got set up several times while I was in that ward (something about being married makes you set up your friends), comb-over guy was one of those.

When my next move, at 29, took me out of Utah, I told my mom I would give the single's wards another try. I originally said six months, she told me I had to give it a year. 52 Sundays later I was done and was back in a family ward. The single's ward felt far too much like a continuation of the Young Women's program rather than a progression, both spiritually and socially. Relief Society is supposed to help me learn how to enrich my home, not paint my nails. And you can only watch couples make-out in sacrament meeting for so long before you start to puke.

I'm not going to say that all single's wards are bad, but they are definitely different. They have their time and place and for some people they really are just what they need. Each ward is different as well. I'm just a person who would rather hear sacrament talks on more topics than just getting married and I'd rather hear testimonies about the gospel rather than about loving your roommates or how you aren't good enough for your fiancé.

The family wards I was in when I was single were wonderful wards where I felt welcome and never felt strange that I didn't have a husband. And you don't need a single's ward to get married, in fact, sometimes it works out better without them.

Be Excellent To Each Other

2011-04-12T13:56:00.005-06:00

Disclaimer: Allusions to strong language and a plea not to use certain terms.

When I first heard the c-word for a woman, I was relatively unphased. I had escaped the previous 20 years or so not knowing of its existence and, therefore, was unaware of the weight it carried. Eventually, that changed. I came to realize how harsh and unkind it really was and it was added to the list of words the truly shock and offend me when I hear it, no matter the context.

And now, I can't seem to escape it. Somehow, certain people I follow online seem to toss that word around like it means nothing, among other random occurrences. While I usually don't care if someone needs to vent about a co-worker or roommate, hearing them referred to as such a cruel term makes my heart hurt. Similarly, it kills me a little inside when I hear females calling each other "whore" or worse, a la Mean Girls.

Fortunately, I have never been called any of those things, at least not to my face. Although, if anyone ever did call me a "ho", you can bet this would happen with lightning speed: How Not To Address a Lady and most of the time I hear things like this, I want to shout "Stop it! Are they really a ____? No, so be nice!"

Unfortunately, I am not innocent of using less heavy terms but with similar sentiment. I don't just throw it around in my everyday parlance, but I have been know to refer to someone else as a female dog, usually in extreme jest. But even in jest and to a party who knows without a doubt I don't really think that of them, is it really necessary?

No. It is not.

Maybe it's the pseudo-Southern girl in me, but I really do strive to be nice to everyone, sometimes to a fault. I don't like everyone I meet, not by a long shot, but I'm at least nice to them. I'm even nice to my neighbor who launches into a tirade about something new every time we see each other.

So why would I call my friends unkind terms? Why should anyone?

I really wish we wouldn't, and I hereby resolve to do a better job and live by this standard:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

Life is hard enough without us being mean to each other all the time. No one is perfect, but I'm willing to bet that most of us are actually trying to be a good person and do good things, and we shouldn't discount that.

So, what do you think? Are you with me?

Way to go, Slick

2011-03-31T14:18:00.005-06:00

Remember how I met someone and was annoyed by my coworker's comments and then never said anything on the matter again? Sorry about that.

It's true though. I did meet someone. It was, of course, when I least expected it - at an industry event and I was certainly not in flirt mode. I was networking my face off when we met, which is why we actually met, but a few hours after our first encounter, we were almost inseparable for the next few days of meetings. I still wasn't even sure whether I was making a new friend or business contact or what, because while we did flirt a little, it certainly wasn't overt and we were spending most of our time at this work event. We were mostly just talking about our industry, about our common interests not related to work, and laughing throughout, and I really wasn't even analyzing it too much. That, of course, changed when he kissed me.

I like kissing.

Unfortunately, the day after our last meeting, we had to go our separate ways, at least physically. We live in different states, sadly, and our event had been in neither of our states.

We kept talking though. And flirting. LOTS of flirting. This time it was overt, and we'd said that we didn't want to just write off our time in person. We got in deep in some our discussions, because of our shared background, which is actually something that started the day we first met. There aren't too many cocktails parties I start talking about the temple with someone I've only known for seven hours. Not only do we do the same thing for work, but we were both raised LDS. I'm from The Homeland; he went to school in The Homeland.

Though we never talked on the phone, we chatted and texted almost every day, and it was just nice and thoroughly enjoyable. We kept being surprised by even really obscure things we had in common.

I did get the feeling he wasn't telling me something though. I got that impression from the night we kissed. There was something he was conflicted about in regards to starting something with me, but he never really brought it up after that night and even then I was only getting it in between the things he was actually saying. Thanks to the miracle/hell of his online presence, I dug up that he was divorced, possibly even twice, once in the last few months, which is probably what he was referring to when he said he'd "just resolved a relationship" while only inches from my mouth and I wasn't going to dig deeper just at that moment. I knew he had kids, since it was right there on a profile we'd already connected on. He did tell me about his struggles in his relationship with the church and how he was still trying to figure out just what he believed.

Still, I remained cautiously optimistic. With the distance between us, things were bound to develop slowly anyway, so I figured we'd talk about things when the time was right. I am getting older after all, and I know that the chances of me finding someone completely baggage-free is decreasing.

And we were still talking.

Until three weeks ago.

We last texted on a Friday evening, even though we'd spent most of the day on IM together. I called him Sunday morning, but only left a message. He wasn't on IM the next day or any day since. By Wednesday, I texted him asking a question that was not "Um, hey, where are you?" I sent another casual text about a week later.

No response.

We were still connected though a couple different online networks though, so I thought he might just be taking a little break. That is, until I got a message last weekend via Dropbox that I left our shared folder. That is not something you can do accidentally, and I knew I didn't do it on purpose. Seriously!? Being rejected by Dropbox is not something I ever expected to have to process. We still have one other online connection, not to mention our shared professional network.

I'm really bummed, to say the least, and a lot angry. Someone I had something with has just disappeared on me. Again. Not calling after one or two dates is one thing, but after weeks of talking, flirting, and physical affection? I am so not a fan, and it's happened to me more than I'd like to admit. This guy even knew that, because we discussed it once, some weeks earlier.

Him - I can live without. As genuinely interested as I was, there were several yellow flags and the timing was probably all wrong. But to just disappear with nary a word is a cowardly way out and rather juvenile. I'd love to say something - send an email or leave a voicemail that says, I don't know, something perfect. But what would it accomplish? Probably nothing.

I'll likely run into him at our network's next gathering in about ten months. That's going to be . . . fun. . . But this isn't my fault! He clearly has things he needs to work through and he's just not ready for me and too chicken to say anything. Even something as simple as "Look, I just got divorced. I'm not ready for anything new right now. Can we still talk though?" It really was the conversations we had that made him so attractive in the first place.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep being fabulous. Someday, hopefully soon, someone is going to take the risk of jumping into something with me. I just have to keep remembering that.

But hugs and chocolate are nice right now too.

What's wrong with you that you don't date?

2011-03-25T22:43:00.003-06:00

After my post last week about infertility, I started to think about how similar it can be in many respects to being single, especially as you approach, and pass, 30.

People might look at us and assume we don't have kids because we don't want them or because we're waiting to pay off debt or finish degrees or because I really don't want to clean out the room I'm using as a sewing room and turn it into a bedroom again or whatever other reasons they might think of.

And that's because our efforts to have children are not things we do in public (thank goodness). Nobody sees all the charting I do. Nobody sees all the months we tried on our own. Nobody sees all the doctor appointments I have now. Nobody sees all the prayers we offer, the tears I cry, or the talks we have after we turn out the lights at night and my fears suddenly find voice. They might see us exercising, or notice we take daily vitamins, or other small things. But those aren't things you automatically assume someone is doing because they are trying to get pregnant.

Now to being single.

I had a roommate once, when I was the ripe old age of 24 and she was the ripe old age of 19, and the last time I ever had roommates, ask me, "What's wrong with you that you don't date?"

I had no idea how to answer that. It's just as rude as asking a married couple, "What's wrong with you that you don't have kids?" Although I can probably come up with a snappy answer to that if you give me a second.

But being single you are doing a LOT of things that are helping you that aren't really visible to the whole world. Nobody sees you working through and living your budget. Nobody sees you learning household skills that will help you no matter what house you live in. Nobody sees you expanding your mind and talents as you develop who you are. Nobody sees the look on your face when you get home and remember there's nobody there to share your good/bad day with. Nobody sees the hours spent in the scriptures or in prayer that build your relationship with your Heavenly Father so that you can learn to fully trust Him. Probably 99% of the things a single person does to put them in the best position possible to get married are not seen by anyone.

Yet everyone is always full of "great advice" for single people. A lot of it sounds the same as the "great advice" they give infertile couples. There's, "just relax," and, "it will happen when you aren't looking/least expect it," that both of them get. There's the stories for infertile couples about how if you start looking into adoption you'll get pregnant, or for single people about how if you go to the institute dances/get online you'll meet someone just like my sister's in-law's cousin's neighbor did.

When you are single people will assume it's for all kinds of reasons - you're too picky, you're too focused on school/career, you're into porn, you're homosexual, you're.... And yet none of those reasons have to do with what is most likely the real reason - it's not the time God ordained yet. God is in charge. Let let Him do what's best.

Why I'm NOT a mom

2011-03-16T16:27:00.000-06:00

Unexplained.

That's the one word answer to why.

After trying for a year on our own we were officially labeled "infertile" by the medical community. I'm never one for labels, but that one really hurt. And I've shed several tears about it.

Since the beginning of 2011 I've averaged one doctor appointment a week. Sometimes I get a week off but that generally just means two the following week. Try working your schedule around that. Every week someone is poking something into me - needles, speculums, ultrasound wands. I've actually mastered the art of peeing in a cup now too.

And after all that the answer came back - unexplained. Both of us work great. But for some unexplained reason we just aren't working together.

Every prayer I offer is a plea for guidance, understanding, and peace, as well as children. I've spent nights wondering if I'm not worthy to be a mom, which I know is crazy. I've cried that I can't fulfill the commandment to "multiply and replenish the earth and have joy therein." I feel broken. Even though medically speaking I'm not.

We have told a few people what we are going through, but that number is extremely small. The last thing I need is bad advice ("just relax and it will happen", "just stop trying and it will happen"). The last thing I need is everyone asking how things are going. A few people who need to understand my schedule a bit know just that I have some health issues we're working on.

I've lost my innocence about the miracle of birth. It's no longer something that my husband and I do together. It's something that's going to involve medical equipment and sterile things and more poking. The odds of us finding out we're expecting in the quiet of the morning (with my new found peeing in a cup talents) and being able to be the only people who know and revel in that miracle for a while are pretty much zero at this point. Now it'll be more poking, a blood draw, and a phone call.

We've lost a lot so far. I'm just holding on and hoping I don't lose my faith.

And that's why I'm not a mom.

7 Possibly Cranky Things

2011-03-15T15:13:00.004-06:00

Roxie and Jinxie tagged me, so here goes my effort to share seven things that don't blow my cover. :)

1. I really don't understand the obsession with Diet Coke/Pepsi/Dr Pepper, chocolate, Twilight, or cute vinyl wall stickers. I just don't get it. I have my own particular set of things that, if encouraged, can develop into semi-obsessive preoccupations, but the Diet Coke thing? Meh. It's fine, I guess, and caffeine does help me focus when I'm scattered or tired, but I'm not addicted enough to it to make jokes about having my IV with me at all times. I like chocolate a lot, but I like candy in general, so I'm not some ravening PMS-y fiend who Must Have Chocolate or Someone Dies. It's nice, I'm a fan of Sees truffles and dark European chocolate, I appreciate an excellent flavor, but I can literally go months without caring one way or the other. Twilight? I tend not to jump on board anything the unwashed masses are freaking out about, which is why I didn't see Titanic (for instance) until about 3 years after it came out. They're not bad books, but they're not the best thing out there. Frankly, I got bored halfway through book 3 and haven't wanted to pick them up since; I probably won't see the films anytime soon, either.

2. Pink is my favorite color. I am completely unashamed of this. Pink has been my favorite color ever since I can remember, and my mother was of the type who didn't want her baby girl surrounded by all pink everything, so I had blue and orange and yellow and green and brown and red things. My baby blanket has red and green giraffes on it--not a speck of pink to be seen--but pink is definitely my favorite color.

3. Continuing the color thing: there isn't a color I hate. I love color, and there are some colors I don't particularly like in, say, bathrooms or kitchens, but I don't have a violent dislike of any one color.

4. I knit and crochet, and it ticks me off when someone assumes that I do those kinds of crafts so I can be a "good Mormon wife". No, I like doing it. I like working with my hands. Besides, it hasn't "caught me a husband" yet, so if I'm doing it to get married, I must be doing it all wrong. ;) I've worked with clay, metal, fiber, fabric, yarn, thread, floss, paint, and loved all of it. If I had the time and the money, I'd learn as much as I could about lapidary, weaving, spinning, metal-smithing, sewing. . . I fear I will never have the time nor the money, but I try not to dwell on it because it discourages me.

5. I really love cats. I also really love dogs. Both loves live within my heart and never fight, except that cats are relatively lower-maintenance for me than dogs are right now. And, yes, it is a deal-breaker if someone I'm interested in expresses hatred for any kind of animal. We were watching TV the other night and someone said "I'd shoot a puppy to win this competition" and I was immediately disgusted. Any attractiveness that particular person may have had was completely gone. I couldn't/wouldn't marry someone who didn't love animals.

6. I have been known to stop reading blogs that consistently have common grammar and syntax errors. Things like "further adieu" instead of "further ado" really irritate me, probably because they are such common phrases that I assume people know how to spell and/or use them correctly. There's another one I see a lot that drives me batty, but I can't remember right now. You get the idea.

7. I look younger than I am. I have people ask how long I've been back from my mission, and it makes me smile (which shows the wrinkles around my eyes, ha ha) because I didn't go on a mission and I'm too old to go now--my female friends who are on missions are sometimes the same girls I remember being BORN. How do I fool them? SPF 30 sunscreen every day unless I'm sick, really good BHA and AHA formulations (I use Paula's Choice because she knows her stuff better than anyone I've ever heard of), and not being stuck in the "I'm so old that I feel sorry for myself every day and can't wear cute socks because I'm too old for them" mindset.

I didn't say it would be short, and I didn't say it would be sweet, but I hope you've learned something about me. :)

Found dead at home

2011-03-10T21:28:00.006-07:00

Every so often you'll see a news story about an old person who was found dead in their house, several weeks after they died. Those stories always shake me. That someone could go that long before they are found. Because you automatically wonder how long you'd be dead before somebody found you. When I lived alone, it honestly could've been weeks. And that's just sad and scary.

While there was no news story about it, that is what happened recently to a man I knew. He lived alone. He'd never been married. And one night he fell and hit his head. They said he died instantly. But it wasn't until almost three weeks later that a family member found him. I take comfort in knowing that at least he wasn't alone and injured that whole time.

The internet is an interesting place. As this news spread among all those of us who knew him, it was very strange for me to see the responses.

This man often gave me the creeps. He was often inappropriate around me. He made me feel uncomfortable in my own home and so I asked the bishop for him to not be my home teacher any more. He kept giving me advice on what I needed to be doing to get married, which seemed a bit odd since he'd never been married himself.

But to others he was memorable for different, better reasons and he was their family's favorite home teacher.

It's strange that one person can be the source of two very different reactions. It made me wonder if I'd missed something about getting to know him. I am glad he will be remembered so positively by others.

7 facts about Roxie

2011-03-06T16:45:00.003-07:00

Jinxie shared seven things about her. It's always fun to get to know others. So here's mine. (this is weird doing it from an anonymous point of view)

1. I am not afraid of public speaking and I have a real hard time understanding how someone else could be. I get a real thrill out of being in front of people like that.

2. When I'm procrastinating work and study projects, my house gets real clean. The end of the semester is always a big cleaning time for me because I'd rather clean than write or grade papers. It makes me feel productive in my procrastination.

3. While I do enjoy a good foot massage, the idea of someone else trimming my toe nails fills me with a sense of dread. A pedicure would not be a treat for me. I blame this on years of ingrown toe nails while I was growing up. I haven't had one in almost ten years now because I started trimming my toe nails differently. I'm not about to let someone else mess that up for me.

4. My favorite pets are wild birds. I filled the bird feeder this afternoon and then laughed as first one, then two, then ten plus birds all started hopping around the tree to see who's turn it was at the bird feeder next. If I don't get food out there for them though, they won't die. They're smart like that.

5. I had the makings of a hoarder growing up. Getting rid of anything was extremely difficult for me. Before leaving on my mission I started cleaning out my stuff and I found I could make three piles, things I definitely wanted, things I could definitely get rid of, and things I should get rid of but couldn't. I gave that last pile to my mom and told her to take what she wanted and get rid of the rest, but at least it wasn't me getting rid of it. It's still hard for me sometimes, but I am getting better at it.

6. I'm 5'6". I've gained a net of ten pounds since I got married. I have blue eyes, brown hair, ten fingers, and ten toes.

7. Seven is my favorite number.

7 Things - AH AH AH!

2011-03-02T10:58:00.000-07:00

The lovely Natalie tagged us with a 7 Facts challenge! Thanks, chica! So, without further ado, here goes!

The Rules:

1. Copy the 7 Facts picture (above - the one with the sunflowers) and paste it in your blog.

2. Thank the person who tagged you. Share the bloggy love and link back to their blog.

3. Share 7 Facts about yourself. (I guess that's where the title comes from?)

4. Pass the love to 15 other bloggers.

1. I LOVE vegetables. No, really, I do! Green beans, asparagus, carrots, broccoli, and so on. I didn't love them as a kid, because what kid does? Sadly, I realize it was probably because of the way my parents prepared them. We often had the freezer bags of mixed veggies microwaved to death with whatever else we were eating. Now, I'll still do that occasionally, but I don't cook them to death and I'll usually add some herbs or something to flavor it up. I find that I prefer fresh or steamed veggies and I wonder why Mom prepped the frozen stuff so much.

2. I'm a wannabe-Francophile. I only know enough French to have gotten me through a four day trip to Paris a few years ago, but I still pretend like I know how to pronounce the French words I come across on a more daily basis like "patissierie." I listen to a surprising amount of French music and own a few French films. One of these days, I'll actually learn it for real. It's also possible I learned a lot of the French I do know from this video.

3. I have no idea how to properly care for my nails. I try, and they aren't super scary, but they could be a lot nicer.

4. I have a HUGE eyeshadow collection, but am I wearing any today? That's a negative, Ghost Rider. (Actually, I wrote this part yesterday. I'm wearing some today, March 2nd, because I sort of have a date tonight. Sort of? It's planned, paired of, and paid for. It's a date, dagnabit!)

5. I rather enjoy making faces at myself in the mirror. Sometimes I even wink at myself, because dang I look fine. Recently, I was watching something with some friends and the character on screen blew a kiss to her mirror self. The guys all said "a-HA, so that's what you girls do!" The girls responded, "No way! That's stupid." I stayed silent on the matter.

6. I think Waka Flocka Flame is a better name for a Muppet than a rapper, but, oddly enough, I also think he's kind of cute, especially when he pulls his hair back.

7. I know we try to keep ourselves anonymous around here, but if you watch the Richard Dutcher LDS-themed film Brigham City - you will see me. That's all that I'm going about that.

So, I'm going to break the rules and not really tag anyone, except my fabulous costars Trixie and Roxie!

"Groundhog Day" on Dating

2011-02-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

The movie "Groundhog Day" doesn't seem like it would have a lot to really teach about dating, but think about it. It's one of HP's favorite movies, so we watch it every year on February 2nd. This year I've been thinking about it ever since.

At the beginning of the movie, Phil is the worst date ever. And he goes through several incarnations of bad date throughout the movie. He:

Thinks only of himself

Considers getting a date a conquest

Thinks only of what he can get out of a date

Uses manipulative techniques to "trick" women into thinking he likes them, which he found out by basically stalking them (although in this movie it comes across differently because he flat out asks them things on successive days)

Tries too hard to create "spontaneous" romantic moments. It's almost painful to watch the second night they build the snowman and see how hard he tries.

Now, granted, by the time he gets there he is starting to get better at the dating thing. A lot of times it's real cute when a guy tries that hard, to be romantic, but it's a fine line between cute and creepy. Trying to be spontaneous never goes well.

Of course he gets the girl in the end. And how does he do that? He stops thinking not just about himself, but also about how he can win the object of his affection. Instead he starts thinking about EVERYONE else around him. There's the tear jerking sequence where he tries to help the old man. He helps the kid who falls out of the tree, the old ladies with their tire, the man who chokes, all of that. He also works on improving himself. He expands his reading (which starts, admittedly, as a way to manipulate women). He learns new talents (piano playing).

He lives for someone other than himself. And it is that which makes him such a wonderful date. Which makes anyone, male or female, a good date.

Give Me SOME Credit

2011-02-17T20:59:00.003-07:00

I have a certain very sweet coworker. She's always bringing me advice or ideas for my job hunt or why can't her son meet a girl like me instead of the girl he's dating or that if I walk to work she's going to drive me home because she doesn't think its safe and so on.

Today, we ran into each other in the hall and were exchanging our usual pleasantries. We discussed how I can't meet anyone at work and I told her a funny story about a time when I had to pretend my best guy friend was my boyfriend so that this other guy would stop hitting on me. Then I said, "On the other hand, I kind of met someone last week."

"Oh? At that [our field] event?"

"Actually, yes."

"So he's a [what we are]?"

"Yep."

"He'll never make any money."

"So? Neither will I. Doesn't matter to me. I'm not in it for the money."

"You say that now . . ."

ACK! Really? Just be happy for me, mmmkay?

And everything else? I appreciate your concern, but I have a mother, thanks.

Pink Princess Palooza

2011-02-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

Because there's enough talk about Valentine's going on everywhere else but we should probably say something. Here's something.

Do you know where the word "pink" comes from? I did not. Dictionary.com however wrote a post about the history of the word: Pink. I found it very interesting that pink started out as a verb, and it meant to create small cuts or perforations. Think pinking shears. I always wondered why they were called that because mine are black, not pink. It's also the same shape on the edge of carnations and other flowers of that family, which the word is also associated with. And from that it started to mean the color of the flower as well as perfection, because it is such the perfect flower (despite the line in The Wedding Planner - "I love you but if you use another carnation in my bouquet I *will* deport you, mk? Muah.") And then it became a very popular color and men started wearing pink hose (which HP can't get his head around and is very glad that's no longer the fashion).

The most interesting part to me though was that prior to WWII, baby boys wore pink and baby girls wore pale blue. Interesting, because our culture has done such a 180 on that that small girls are almost coated in Pepto pink from the moment they are expected, before they are born even. Pink, and princesses.

A week and a half ago NPR ran a story about the invasion of pink princesses that I found real interesting - Saving Our Daughters from an Army of Princesses. It is an interview with Peggy Orenstein, the author of Cinderella Ate My Daughter. And it is definitely something to think about. What kind of effect does shoving pink princesses down young girls' throats have on their expectations for real life?

Pink has never been my favorite color. I did have a pair of pink overalls when I was three that I loved, but I loved them because they had pockets everywhere that I could put things, not because they were pink. I had a roommate in college who decided in kindergarten that her favorite color was orange because nobody was picking orange when they were talking about favorite colors. From that decision she actually grew up loving orange and had a beautiful orange autumn themed wedding as a result even. I'm not saying pink is a bad color, one of the three of us here absolutely loves it and I think that's great. But assuming a girl likes pink because she's a girl is not a good place to go.

And what of the princess mentality? I read elsewhere of the marketing genius that was Disney putting all of their princesses together in one package. You can't escape it anymore, they're everywhere. And Tinkerbell, while not an actual princess, also has her whole posse running around now too.

I'm not sure what kind of effect it will have on girls, but what if they grow up thinking that a prince is going to come rescue them only to actually grow up and realize they have to do a lot of their own rescuing? Do they realize that true love's first kiss can often come after years of relationship building and not after just a single glance? If I've ever had a fairy godmother it was my own mom and I who made those types of things happen.

The recent Disney movie Tangled had quite the character for its princess, however none of the merchandise I've seen for it show her with her brown hair after she's grown up, made sacrifices, and possibly lost it all, only with her innocent blonde locks. I think someone who has grown up, made sacrifices and possibly lost it all is a much better model then someone who's only dreamed of life and not actually lived it.

Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day! ;)

See Jane Run

2011-02-07T19:31:00.003-07:00

Story time!

Girl goes dancing.

Girl meets boy.

Girl and boy hit it off and eventually spend the last hour of the event only dancing with each other.

Girl and boy promise to look each other up on Facebook, because he lives in a different state.

Girl realizes this is lame, but sends boy a message within a couple of days.

Girl never hears from boy, but finds out from mutual friends that he had broken up with his girlfriend the same night she had met boy so decided she should probably write boy off.

Two months pass.

Girl goes dancing.

Girl runs into same boy, who is apparently visiting again.

Girl and boy don't pair off again, but they still get along rather well and finally exchange phone numbers.

Girl and boy spend almost the entirety of MLK Day together, with and without other friends.

Boy updates girl on flight status.

Girl adds boy on Facebook.

Girl never hears from boy again.

Boy is lame.

Girl is bummed.

Girl moves on.

Ready to run

2011-01-24T20:48:00.002-07:00

For the first time that I can think of, I actually wanted to stand someone up this weekend. It seemed easier than going through with a date I couldn't think of any reason I wanted to be on and having to tell him in person "Thanks, but no thanks" to any future dates. I even contemplated just driving off halfway when I made a quick jaunt to my car to stash my leftovers from the restaurant before going to the movie.

Of course, I didn't. The date wasn't actually awful or even as awkward as I feared it might be, and he was gentleman enough. I just haven't ever been nor ever anticipate being interested in him.

I was looking forward to it well enough when he first asked me. We've been casual friends for the last few years, introduced by a mutual friend. I figured a harmless date between two casual friends might be a nice evening to catch up.

But then, once I accepted, he started texting me every single day. Multiple times a day. He invited me over to his house (where I've never been before and I didn't accept), wanted to talk on the phone around midnight at least once, and overall made it very clear that he liked me way more than I liked him. I was suddenly uncomfortable and worried that he might try something if he even remotely sensed the go ahead.

On top of that, the date was ill-planned (it took no less than three conversations to decide on the restaurant, which was decided in the first conversation) and this woman with a Masters and a career is just not impressed by someone who lives at home working random temp jobs even two years after graduation from college. Among other things.

Sad, but true.

If there is a lid for every pot, this was not just a case of the wrong size of stewpot, but more like I'm saucepan and he's Tupperware. There's just no way it will work.

At least it was a date. He seemed understanding about my decline for a next time and the texts have slowed significantly (once to thank me later that evening and a "What's up?" yesterday that I left unanswered). It's at least flattering to be asked, I just hope that next time the feeling is more mutual.

Beauty or Beastly?

2011-01-21T22:55:00.003-07:00

I must say I was rather intrigued to read about dating on Scientific American. Many things intrigue me there, which is why I browse it regularly. But the science of dating always seems a bit odd. This particular article is titled "Play Up That Ugly Trait" which is definitely attention grabbing.

After analyzing lots of data on an online dating site they found a correlation between how much attention she got and how controversial her beauty was rated. We're going to ignore the whole rating beauty thing right now because that has other issues. It seems that when some men thought a women was beautiful and other men thought she definitely wasn't, the woman got a lot more messages than if all the men thought she was beautiful.

Of course you can't assign cause to correlation, but it is an interesting observation nonetheless.

I think for me, I don't need everyone to think I'm beautiful/smart/lovable, as long as the people that matter do. The rest of the world can hate me for it, sometimes that just makes things more interesting.

First date of 2011!

2011-01-10T20:17:00.003-07:00

I had a date. Hooray!

It was a good date too. We're fortunate to live in a city with lots of options, way better than the traditional dinner and a movie, and we took advantage of one of them.

We spent mid-day downtown playing tourist at a local museum. It involved lots of walking, talking, and even some educational problem solving. We were both famished afterward and there were several dining options near us, but he offered to make lunch back at his place and I happily took him up on it. Tasty! He even told me about mealtime traditions in a country he recently spent time in which we then recreated and extended our lunch a bit. It was really nice getting to know each other and just having a good, relaxed time. I'd definitely like to see him again.

Now, my general rule is that if I ask a guy out for our first date, then the ball is in his court. I've made my indicators of interest, so it's his turn. In this case, I'll be seeing him around and will keep flirting and getting to know him, and we'll see what happens.

Either way, it was a date! It's a good way to start the year!

Grain of Salt

2011-01-02T19:41:00.005-07:00

As much as I wish there were, there is no magic pill or answer for how to find my future spouse. Two unique individuals who find each other, like each other at the same time, and choose to love each other for the rest of forever is nothing short of a miracle. But until that time, what do those of us who are still looking do?

I can only really think of four things.

Be the Best You

Unless you're an axe murderer, you're probably a really great person and there is someone out there for you. So what if some people think you're too weird or too bookish or too loud? Even weird, bookish, and loud people can find love. Now, there are always things we can improve about ourselves, whether it's exercising more, learning a new talent, or being a better sister/friend/daughter, but as long as you're a fundamentally good person striving to be the best person you can be, good things will come to you.

Be Patient

Most of us will not marry the first person we seriously date. Most of us will have to wait longer than we wish we had to in order to find our mate. But it will happen. Someday. As Mormons, we do believe that if it's not in this life, it will be in the next, provided we did the best we could here. But it WILL happen! This one is particularly hard for me, because I want it NOW, but if I have to wait, I'll wait.

Be Kind

Dating sucks. There's too much uncertainty and weirdness and wondering. But we all have to go through it. We might as well be nice about it. If you have to turn someone down, do so politely. If you need to break up with someone, don't just stop calling or disappear, just tell them. We're all adults and we all have the capability of acting like it.

Take Risks

Only in p0rn does the woman of the house meet someone who just happens to be stopping by (delivery boy/mailman/etc.). The rest of us have to get out there and make a little effort. Be true to yourself, so if you're not the bar type, don't go to bars. But do something. Talk to that cute guy, go out with someone you'd never usually think of going out with, etc. Today, I asked a guy out for next weekend, and he said yes! Call me traditional, but I don't like asking guys out. I did it anyway, and who knows where it might lead?

Any other advice you may hear, even from us? Totally based on individual preferences and what worked for someone else. Take what you like, leave what you like. Just be the best you, be patient, be kind and take a few risks. The rest will work itself out.

Or so I hear. :)

Not my favorite Christmas

2010-12-28T17:42:00.004-07:00

The first full day of my vacation to The Homeland was spent almost entirely in my pajamas, until I finally showered and dressed in normal clothes sometime after 5 PM.

Sounds divine, non?

Non. Not even a little bit. I didn't stay in my pajamas all day by choice. It just so happens that my arrival home the day before coincided with my father's arrival home from a 3.5 day hospital stay, and the next day it was my duty to be his primary caretaker.

Now, it was a scheduled surgery, not an accident, and he's going to be just fine or even more than in a few months. Yes, it was scheduled for the time I'd be home since Mom and One of My Siblings (the other missed Christmas with us this year) both work and the doctors said that it was either have someone available for him 24/7 for the first week or he was to go to a rehab hospital for post-op care.

Yay.

The idea was that we'd trade off shifts and no one person would have to shoulder most of the responsibility. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that way, and I took point with my mother close behind and Sibling a helpful, but a little more removed third.

That first day alone was awful. Dad needed something constantly, whether it was a machine adjusted, a urinal emptied (luckily, I stopped gagging about this the third time), food, meds, drinks, physical therapy assistance, and so on. He was finally okay on his own for my brief shower, but I cried before, during, and after said shower, partly because the whole thing was wearing me out and partly because I was so mad at myself for feeling so worn out and selfish, and it was only Day 1.

The good news is that it got better. Dad got stronger and gained more independence each day, and we sort of fell into a somewhat predictable routine. Despite everything, it was still mostly refreshing to be home. There's also something to be said about fighting and going through hellish ordeals with someone you're in a committed relationship with, something I don't often experience. You know that no matter what you say and do, you still love each other and WILL work it out. Of course, that makes some things sting more, but it still gives you hope.

Of course, I do wish that my dad had not once, but three times, not used his lucid moments to get after me and my lack of dating life. The last time was actually during Christmas breakfast and found me 1) swearing in front of my parents for the first time in my life (it was only "damn" and used for emphasis, but still) 2)storming off and 3)crying on the bathroom floor for an hour.

Not really a Christmas memory I wish to keep, but only one of the three of us in that conversation was on heavy medication at the time. He'll remember it happened, but he won't really remember all the details.

But like I said, it did get better. Even if neither my mom nor I had a full night's sleep (there were meds to given in the middle of the night) and taking care of a middle-aged post-op man is surprisingly like unto taking care of an infant, at least I was with my family. I did get out of the house a few times, and I showered, at some point, every day. Christmas itself didn't suck entirely and by the end of the week, there was far more laughter than tears. Plus, I never actually had to watch my dad relieve himself or bathe him, which would just have been embarrassing for both of us.

It was just a MAJOR adjustment to go from my solitary life to taking care of my father full-time, and not the vacation I was hoping for. I am most certainly glad I was able to be home for and with my family. If I had to, I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

I feel for those who have to take care of a parent or spouse full-time for more than a week. I don't know how you do it. I hope this experience helps me less self-centered the next time I have an opportunity to serve in a major capacity, or even a minor one. I know I learned quite a bit about communication and patience this week, I just hope I can keep those lessons with me.

I also wish my dad a very speedy recovery, and Mom and Sibling the patience to carry on without me.

How was your Christmas?

You're sweet and all...

2010-12-17T12:52:00.005-07:00

...But please don't set me up with anyone. This is a universal statement to everyone in my world right now: Please Don't Set Me Up With Anyone. Period.

I'm not quite sure why I'm balking at this so hard all of a sudden. Maybe it's because the last time someone offered to set me up I freaked out a little. Another friend just asked what my dating range was, and I almost told her to shut up and leave me alone. I just can't do it right now. At all. The mere THOUGHT of going on a blind date makes me almost gag or cry.

As Jinxie and Roxie have said, just because you're both single doesn't mean you actually have anything in common, and I'm tired of people assuming things about my personality. I'm tired of thinking about dating. I just want to be left alone to live my life, do my job, enjoy my hobbies, and help my family (there's a confession coming about helping my family, but I'm not sure just yet if I should talk about it here or not) without worrying about living up to some standard on a blind date.

So, please. If you want me to meet someone, invite me over for dinner or a game night or a movie with other friends and don't you DARE call it a set-up or a blind date. Just let me get to know people on my own terms.

And, please, as shallow as this is, don't even suggest anyone who is shorter than me. It will just be awkward for both of us.

Grown up nightmares

2010-12-05T19:45:00.003-07:00

I don't remember the nightmares I had as a kid. I'm sure I had them, since every child does. They probably had something to do with people or monsters coming to get me, but I'd always wake up in the safety of my own bed and the dream would be over.

Even now, I don't really have bad dreams all that often. I do sometimes have to fight bad guys in my dreams, and I can never seem to land a punch or kick, which is frustrating as hell, but there are no bad guys when I wake.

Last night, however, I had an absolutely terrible, emotional dream. I'd gone to bed a little upset, slept not so well, and then had this awful dream, so when I woke up this morning, I was in a supremely cranky/sad mood. I even cried a little before I got out of bed. It's not the way I'd choose to start my day again.

In my dream, I was on a group date with some friends from church, probably two or three other couples. I don't recall what we were doing, or even who my date was, but all seemed well and good. The second half of our date was a dinner at the home of one of my ward friends. His parents, who I actually work with in a church capacity in real life, had set up lovely tables for two all over the house.

For some reason, I had traveled there alone and my date was meeting me there. I was the first of the couples to show, and I thought about moving my car. When I commented on this aloud, my friend's father actually called me a terrible thing that I don't even want to repeat here. Then, as I waited for my date to show, couple after couple arrived and found a table. Our group grew to about 10 or so couples, and my date was still a no show.

That's when my dream truly became my current version of a nightmare. As an introvert, being the odd one out in a group is one of my absolute least favorite things, and here I was in a large group, practically the 21st wheel - even our hosts were cold towards me. I wandered through the house, peered out windows, and felt incredibly out of place. It was becoming increasingly apparent that my date was not going to be coming at all.

I was all alone in a group of people that continued to grow in size. I'd been bailed on mid-date. And there was nothing I could do.

It's no surprise I cried upon waking.

I haven't been in best of moods today (it being Fast Sunday and not eating until 8 PM did NOT help), but at least it wasn't a total crap day overall. Church was nice, I decorated my tree, and as soon as I publish this, I'm going to have a brownie.

But heaven help me if tonight is anything like the last.

Wrapping Up?

2010-11-30T20:32:00.006-07:00

Well, I'm the last one to post for NaBloPoMo, so I suppose it's up to me to wrap up. Or not. Sometimes I'm contrary. :)

One of the things I've noticed about participating in NaBloPoMo, and this blog in general, is that I often don't feel as though I have anything relevant to say. But what am I expected to say? What is relevant to being single that isn't also relevant to being married? I worry about dying alone, but doesn't everyone? As far as I can see, the only appreciable difference between a single person and a married person is relationship status. We both worry about family, money, housing, cars, jobs, church callings, the world around us. I don't have my own children, but I worry about and love my nieces and nephews, my cousins' and friends' children, and the children in my ward. I am one of four "breadwinners" in my household and worry about bills, who will pay what, and what's going to be overdue if we pay another bill on time. I have to clean, I have to put gas in my car, I have to take care of my clothes and health (and, often, the health of those around me), I have to shop and organize finances.

Just because I'm single doesn't mean I have no idea what others go through. I have an idea; whether or not I've gone through that experience has no bearing on how I feel about it or how I can help, right? That's obviously a broad statement that doesn't apply to everyone, but I feel like I am valuable and, because I can't exactly relate, can often offer help or perspective that people who CAN relate don't necessarily have because they're too close to what's happening.

Maybe I AM different. I decided years ago to not turn into one of those "no one understands poor little me" people. It has proven a blessing, even though it is occasionally a struggle to remember to not be one of those people. I credit my change in attitude, and a LOT of faith, with my overall happiness about my life. My life is far from ideal, but I realized the other day, as I was going to bed, that if this is as good as my life will be, it's a pretty great life. I don't have a lot of money, I don't have the best job, I'm in a couple of weird situations, but I have a pretty great life.

Funny how perspective changes things. Thanks for reading us in November. Happy December!

The songs make sense

2010-11-29T21:49:00.003-07:00

This weekend we watched a previous episode of the TV show Castle. There is a spot in the episode where, prompted by a conversation with his teenage daughter about love songs and poems, Richard Castle asks Kate Beckett how you know when you are in love. Her short, off the cuff, said in passing response was, "The songs made sense."

Now in context it is quite the funny line. But I've been thinking about it. And there might actually be some truth to it.

I've always liked music. There is a real power to music. Music and poetry can speak to the heart and soul. But they generally get their message across better when you've been in that place they are describing, when you've felt whatever it is they are expressing.

And as I thought about it, it just made sense. When I realized I was in love with HP and he was in love with me, my taste in music actually changed slightly (it's a constantly evolving taste anyway, but this was a direction change I could pinpoint rather than a slow evolution). Songs about lost love or longing didn't have the same effect on me as they had before. Songs about love gone wrong really stopped appealing to me. But songs about real love, not summer love, or lustful longing, really started striking a chord in my chest. It was as if they were speaking to me, or perhaps for me.

Those songs just made a lot more sense.

Is there a problem officer?

2010-11-28T20:29:00.004-07:00

I've been watching a lot of How I Met Your Mother lately, thanks to the reruns being in syndication on cable. The whole premise of this show is this father is telling his kids the story of how he met their mother. Naturally, there is a lot of talk of relationships as the characters move in and out of them fairly consistently.

I don't usually get anything incredibly insightful out of it, though it's an interesting take on modern relationships and it really is pretty funny.

Tonight, however, I watched an episode where Ted (the main character) runs into an old girlfriend, Stella. At the end of the episode, Stella tells Ted a story of how she once talked her way out of a speeding ticket. The cop pulled her over and walked up to her car and said "Young lady, I have been waiting for you all day." Stella looked up at him and said "I'm sorry, officer, I got here as fast as I could." When Ted asks if that really happened, she says no, it's just an old joke. Then she says that "the one" for Ted is coming "just as fast as she can".

That really struck me.

To my future husband, I say:

Baby, I'm coming, just as fast as I can, and I know you are too. I can't wait to see you and get started on the rest of our lives together! I know you're worth the wait! I love you!

Shaving my legs

2010-11-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

I've heard of women who, after getting married, kind of let themselves go. They don't shower and get dressed up as often. They stop shaving their legs. Their actions basically say that now that they've snagged a man they don't need to put forth that kind of effort any more.

I was thinking about that recently when I spent one morning exfoliating and making my legs smooth (I use an epilator not a razor) and doing my toe nails and curling my hair. Maybe I just haven't been married long enough so I'm still taking care of those things. Or maybe it's because I rarely did those things for a guy to begin with and my relationship with me hasn't changed. I'm going to go with the latter. (Mostly because the "you'll see" people drive me batty and because I know me.)

Yes when I was going to be on a date or spending time with a guy I would make sure I was looking my best. But it's not like I only shaved my legs when I had a date. If that were the case there would've been several years where my legs would've been au nautural. You've got to have more than just a date as a reason to take care of yourself.

I paint my toenails because I think it's pretty (and because nail polish never lasts more than a day on my hands so I think it's pointless there but it will last two weeks easy on my toes). I shave my legs not because some guy might be feeling them but because I really love how my legs feel when they are silky smooth. HP claims that my legs are always smooth even when I tell him I need to shave them. I've asked him and it's mostly because he's expecting stubble like he gets on his face and with an epilator I never get stubble like that. So if I waited for him to notice I could probably stretch it out for a month. But I'm cleaning up my legs a lot more often than that because I want to do it for me. Because I like it.

My relationship with me hasn't changed because I got married. I still like smooth legs and pretty toes. If my husband also enjoys them, then that's just a bonus.

Triggers

2010-11-26T17:07:00.004-07:00

I caught myself whining today, feeling sorry for myself and starting down a mental and emotional path that could potentially trigger some self-destructive behavior. I've been down that road before, and it's hard not to give in some days, but I know I'll be happier if I don't shut down and spend days in my room...especially this time of year.

It's not easy to be alone for the holidays, even when you're surrounded by family. It's not easy to want a relationship with a particular person but never see it happen. It's not easy to be responsible for everything and have no one with whom to share the burden. It's not easy to be happy for others all the time.

However. All these things CAN be done, and they can be done without pulling those triggers that lead down unwanted and unpleasant paths. It's a lot more pleasant to have a quiet Christmas with your parents than to wake up one morning and realize that you haven't been happy or social for days because you're feeling sorry for yourself.

Here's what I think:

If I can't get motivated, start doing SOMETHING.

If looking at the world around me is hard, look more.

If the internet is too tempting, stand up and walk away.

If I'm feeling trapped, move furniture.

If I'm feeling sad, find reasons to be happy.

If I can't seem to get anything done, complete one simple thing.

If I wander around at night because I don't want to sleep, take some melatonin and leave a light on if I have to.

If getting up is hard, get up anyway and do some squats.

If eating is unappetizing, find something appetizing and eat it.

Read your scriptures.

Exercise.

Take care of yourself.

Watch Christmas movies.

Call your grandmother.

Do something creative.

Remember who you are.

So Very Thankful

2010-11-25T20:38:00.003-07:00

I spent Thanksgiving today with friends. It wasn't what I originally wanted to do for the holiday. First, I wanted to do what I did last year - road trip to an aunt's house - but I had to stay in town because of commitments this weekend. Then, I wanted to host, but my current living situation does not lend itself to large dinner parties or even the ability to cook a whole turkey. I needed a co-host, but the potential co-hosts I considered and I seem to be going through a rough patch and I didn't know what to do.

So, I was immensely grateful when another friend stepped up and opened her home to anyone in need of a place to go. I was still able to cook something, which I really enjoy and part of why I wanted to host in the first place. Mostly, I still able to share a meal and spend time with people whose company I enjoy, even if they're friends I've only known for a relatively short time and some I only just met today.

It's the people in my life that make it worth living. Even when family is far away and my long time my friends are being weird, there are newer friends, truly good people, who I can call on to be there for me and I for them. Even if they come and go, there is always someone there. New friends. Old friends. Near friends. Far friends. Someone.

And even when no one seems to be there, no matter how hard you try, we all have the ultimate friend in Jesus Christ.

I am not alone. And neither are you.

For that, I am truly thankful.

Not home for the holidays

2010-11-24T09:51:00.001-07:00

The last time I had Thanksgiving with my parents at their home was my senior year of high school. I've been with my parents twice on Thanksgiving since but one time was at my sister's and one time was at my uncle's. It was hard and strange at first, but it's just how it is now. I had two Thanksgivings on my mission (neither in this country). And the rest were with various extended family members, mostly an uncle on my dad's side. They were all good Thanksgivings.

Eventually we'll just have us for Thanksgiving at our home. But for now we're still celebrating with others. Last year it was friends of mine. This year it's his family. And this might be one of the stranger ones I've had yet. In a way I'm glad I'm used to being with others for the holiday. It's going to make this one easier. I get along great with my in-laws, but I still feel like I'm not quite integrated. I've only been part of the group for a very short time. We're all still adjusting.

I am not someone who likes a lot of small talk and I also do not like feeling like I am in the way. And I know that the kitchen is small enough that if I go in there to help I'll just make it more crowded, and I won't know where anything in the kitchen is so I'll need someone to basically show me where/how to do things, and at that point it's just easier to let them do it. And I'll most likely have to do a lot of small talk. The women do small talk. The men tell stories and talk about deeper things. The women talk about that stuff too when they are with the men. But when it is just the women their conversations are different. I'm more comfortable with the men, probably in large part because I'm more comfortable with my husband than I am with any of them. I don't want to appear ungrateful or a free-loader. So I'll offer to help. I always do. I guess we'll just see what happens.

At least I know we won't be sitting at the children's table. (Although honestly, that might actually be more fun. Some of my nieces and nephews on that side are college age and they're quite fun to be with.)

The Giggler

2010-11-23T15:52:00.004-07:00

I was at a gathering a few weeks ago with some old and new friends. While it was really fun (and the food was really good), there was one thing that bothered me: The Giggler. Sounds like a Batman villain, doesn't she? Quite honestly, I would have been relieved if the Caped Crusader had flown in through a window, snatched her up, and run away with her again. Ugh. It was that bad.

Now, I know that people have a good time and laugh about silly things. I've been one of those people. But I think I have matured to a point where I can notice when what I'm doing is getting out of hand, tell myself to knock it off, and maybe excuse myself from the festivities for a few minutes to get a grip. This woman did not. Something set her off (possibly the potential beau sitting next to her, possibly something one of us said, possibly the sugar in the soda) and she just giggled and giggled and giggled. Loudly. Turning red. Uncontrollably. That kind of thing is not attractive in a super-cute 20-year-old, and this woman was over 40 and giggling so much she couldn't breathe. I was embarrassed for her.

Don't get me wrong--laughter is awesome, and can be an effective flirting tool, but not when you have lost control and end up looking like a fool in front of everyone. I think that if I catch myself acting like a 16-year-old surrounded by cute boys, it's time to reevalute the situation and determine if my actions are making me look stupid. If they are, it's time to stop. It's a matter of personal dignity. To me, seeing that (and its effect on the man sitting next to her) is just as bad as watching an attractive man clumsily try to hard to impress me. It decreases his attractiveness just as surely as finding out he's committed fraud or has left the church. I'd much rather be with someone who is confident, smart, gracious, and who knows when to stop what he's doing because it's immature and annoying. I'd much rather be with someone who is comfortable in his own skin.

I try to be that person, too, and I think it makes me more attractive than dissolving into uncontrollable giggles for 20 minutes, although I could be wrong...

Personal Progress

2010-11-22T13:09:00.000-07:00

I completed the Personal Progress program when I was a Young Woman. Actually I finished it half a life-time and two modifications of the theme ago. With the new Personal Progress book being released there has been a lot of encouragement for not-so-young women to go back and do it if they never did or do it again if they already did it. The Young Women's president in my ward recently completed it even.

Now I'm all about goals. I set many for myself. And I think a lot of the goals in Personal Progress are real good things. In fact I've even thought several times, especially when I was single and not dating much, about getting a book and going through it again. I thought that improving myself in the way that would happen by working on those goals would be very attractive (people who are metaphorically sitting on their backside twiddling their thumbs are never attractive). I would've had my friends and visiting teachers sign me off on them. The only thing is, I'm not a big jewelry person (I wear my wedding rings and that's it). So I don't want someone to feel like they have to give me the new medallion if I do it.

But still, I think I might want to do it. And since you can now keep track of all of it online, I don't even need to get a physical book. Care to join me?

Somebody

2010-11-21T19:29:00.003-07:00

I love the song Somebody by Depeche Mode. It's such a wonderful list of things a lover/spouse/best friend should be, and I want all of it.

I also want to add to it.

I want somebody who will call when they say will, and even just because.

I want somebody who can make me laugh.

I want somebody who will dance with me in the kitchen.

I want somebody who I can kiss anytime I want.

I want somebody who will paint my toenails when I can't reach them anymore.

I want somebody who knows me better than anyone.

And most of all, I want somebody who leaves me absolutely no doubt about how he feels about me.

Four old guys

2010-11-20T08:43:00.002-07:00

In several movies I like there is almost what could amount to a Greek chorus. This chorus of minor characters is made up of four older guys who serve to provide guidance for the main characters and comic relief for the plot. Several years ago, after watching these movies (The Rookie & Return to Me specifically) a few times, I decided I wanted my own group of "four old guys." So I thought about who I could invite and then formally asked them if they would be one of my "four old guys" or "FOG" as they called themselves. The membership changed a bit over the years, but it's roughly remained the same. They took exception to being called old until I explained that it simply meant "older than me."

Earlier this year I read a story on NPR - "Life-Changing Health Scare Leads to 'Council of Dads'". A father, faced with a possible life threatening illness, together with his wife, picked out men in their lives who could step in and fill certain roles in the life of their child. They created a council of dads to help step in if he was not there. It was a very touching story.

I love my dad very much and nobody can take his place. My four old guys in no way took the place of my dad. But if companies can have a board of directors, there's nothing to say that a person can't either. My four old guys and my women provide talents and expertise that I don't have.

I'll never be like her

2010-11-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

I keep a list on my phone of things I want to blog about in the future. Lacking inspiration recently, I was studying the list, hoping that something there would spark and I would remember what I meant by "timing" or "blind date."

One thing on my list reads "Comparing myself to others - vicious cycle." I had a vague idea about what I was thinking when I wrote that, but try as I might, nothing was coming to mind. Honestly, I've been feeling pretty good about myself lately, so I didn't feel like fleshing that idea out was necessary.

Then yesterday, I went blogsurfing, and I immediately remembered what I'd be thinking when I wrote myself that note.

You see, this girl whose blog I was perusing is an acquaintance, someone I've actually known for more than six years now. We've never been friends and probably never will be, but that's fine.

What's not fine is me reading her blog and then letting my jealousy get the best of me. As I kept clicking "Older Post" and reading more, I kept thinking things like,

"Ugh. She's so skinny. I'll never be that skinny. No wonder that ensemble looks so good on her."

"She has a weekly dinner party? I wish I had friends I could set that up with. Wait, they meet more than once a week!?"

"I wish people commented on every single one of my posts too."

"I wish I traveled as much as she does."

"She's so popular. I'll never be that popular."

It's sick. Fortunately, my rational brain starts piping in a little bit too.

"But you're not super fat. Do you have to lifted from your house by crane? No. Do people still say you're pretty? Yes. Right. Then shush, go to the gym a little more and stop worrying about it."

"You'd hate the stress of entertaining friends three times a week. Introvert, remember? Maybe if it were a rotating thing at different houses. And, besides, she has roommates who can help and make up of half the dinner party anyway. She might not even be the official hostess. So shut it!"

"People do comment on your blog. All of your blogs. And it increases the more often you write. So write more consistently and stop worrying."

"You do travel. Remember? Remember how you were just in that same country she's posting pictures of? Yeah. Shush."

"No, no you're not popular, but you do have friends who like you a lot."

"She doesn't have a boyfriend either, so it's not like being her solves that problem." (Okay, so that one is bordering back on mean.)

"WHY ARE YOU STILL SKIMMING HER BLOG!?"

And then I close the tab and move on with my life.

Until I happen upon another blog that gives me cause to think such things.

Such is life. On the plus side, there are blogs I read whose authors I am a wee bit jealous of, but I use them as inspiration. Like this super cute married couple who do super cute married things? Someday I will be married, employ some of their successful marriage techniques, and we'll be nauseatingly adorable ourselves.

My life really is pretty darn great, and it suits me. My clothes, my friends, my adventures, my job - all suitable to me. The things I don't like? I can change, because I am me. And I am okay.

I am Me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it – I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself.

I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By so doing, I can love me and be friendly with all my parts.

I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know – but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me.

However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded.

I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer me.

I am me, and I am Okay.

From Self Esteem by Virginia Satir

The Rules?

2010-11-18T17:29:00.006-07:00

After hearing that some women I know (none that I'm friends with) were faithfully reading the book The Rules to learn how to trap a guy into marrying them, I flipped through it one afternoon we were spending at the bookstore (bookstores make fun dates). And it was laughable. The ones that made sense could've been classified as common decency, and the rest were bordering on manipulation. One was to maintain a sense of mystery. I turned to HP and asked him if I was still mysterious to him. Without missing a beat he came back with, "Yes. I still haven't seen your breasts." (We weren't married yet.) And that was that. I've never heard of The Game but I imagine it's similar.

My rules?
1. Be yourself
2. Practice common decency.

Hopefully common decency is part of who you are, but just in case it isn't I thought I'd add the second rule.

I Have Found My Limit

2010-11-17T16:07:00.005-07:00

The other day, as I was shopping for jeans (an impossible task), I got a call from an older friend of mine. She had approached me weeks ago about the possibility of being set up by her and I had said that I was open to it. Mostly. When most people offer to set me up, they don't realize exactly how old I am; I have caught several off-guard when I say with forthrightness that I am almost 36 because I am invariably mistaken for being much younger. Many people are thinking of their sons or nephews or friends who are in their mid-twenties when they offer to set me up. It's kind of funny and a little endearing that they think I'm still 25. In any case, this sweet friend called and told me about an unattached man in her ward who has three boys. As she was telling me about him, I thought, "Ok, this could work, I've been out with guys with young kids before, no big deal." She kept talking, though, and I could feel my willingness just shut down completely when she said, "He's 49 and his oldest son is 17 and lives with his ex-wife."

Turns out I have really found my official age and situation limit. 49 is just too old for me right now, and a 17-year-old son is too much. Give me five years, though, and it might all be fine, but not now. Not at all. I have to break it to her gently and kindly and gratefully, and I always hate doing that because I DO feel bad.

Is common courtesy dead?

2010-11-16T19:29:00.004-07:00

I think common courtesy is dead, or, at least, very ill and possibly terminal.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to respond to emails just to them asking direct questions (but respond to the silly emails about the latest updates about Angry Birds).

I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to make plans with people they supposedly care about, or even respond to invitations at all.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to not leave other people hanging.

I don't understand why instead of answering the question "Where is the stuff I left with you when I moved away from The Homeland?", some people will not only not respond, but actually defriend you from Facebook.

I don't understand why it's so difficult for some people to say "I'm sorry" when they have to bail on plans you've made together.

Now, I'm not perfect, but I at least try and do these things. It's just polite.

Just Because I'm Single Doesn't Mean I'm Not Busy

2010-11-15T21:02:00.005-07:00

Perhaps I sometimes overreact to things, especially when I've been under stress and haven't eaten in more than three hours, but it irks me when it seems as though people assume I have a lot of time just because I'm single.

Examples:

I don't answer my cell phone at work unless it's family or I feel strongly that I should. In fact, I rarely check my voicemail until after I get home from work. I have gotten surprised reactions from people when I tell them that I was at work when they called, as if they didn't expect me to be holding down a full-time job. One of them even said, "Oh, so you're a nine-to-fiver, then." Well, yes. I have been for a while now, and sometimes it's even eight to six! Someone has to pay my bills.

Sometimes people corner me at church and act surprised when I tell them that I can't go to their book club or help with a funeral or meetings at assisted living facilities on weekends because I take some classes or sub in the temple or have family obligations.

Other times, someone will ask me to put something together for a ward party and is slightly confused when I say I don't really have the time to do so.

Once, and I think I may have referred to this in a much earlier blog, a woman I grew up with was visiting the ward and said, when I told her I was tired and busy in response to her asking how I was, "It's all that partying!" No. It isn't. Believe me.

Sure, I'm not as relatively busy as a women with five small children or toddler twins, or someone who works full-time and then comes home to her kids, but I still have a schedule. There are days I don't get home until 14 hours or more after I leave in the morning. There are days when I have to be in two places at once and put a lot of miles on my car. I have previous obligations and things to do at home, and just because I'm single doesn't mean I'm irresponsible.

Like I said, maybe I overreact (I need to watch myself and work on that), so it's nice when people understand that when I say no, it's not just out of stubbornness or unwillingness. Most often, when I say no, I mean that I really, truly can't. The flesh is willing, but the calendar is full. Besides, if I sat at home all the time feeling sorry for myself, that wouldn't be very attractive or productive, right? :)

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

2010-11-14T10:01:00.000-07:00

Here's just a simple list of a lot of the things I never expected for our first year of marriage while I'm off celebrating our anniversary.

It's been an incredible ride and I've loved every minute of it. He still makes me all fluttery inside. But then, technically, we're still newlyweds for another six months.

I never expected I would have already broken a glass. And that it would make me cry.

I never expected I wouldn't have a large "I'm married!" moment. It's been rather a whole bunch of little things adding together.

I never expected that I would like cooking so much.

I never expected I wouldn't be pregnant by now, and that it would make me feel so broken.

I should have, but didn't, expect how close not getting pregnant, or any other struggle, would make us.

I never expected that I would so quickly start to think I couldn't live alone again. I successfully lived alone, and enjoyed it, for 7+ years. What's happened to me?

I never expected I would go to bed so early and get up so early so consistently. My dad tried my entire life to make me sleep like a normal person. My normal 8 hours of sleep were 4am to noon.

I never expected it would be so easy to get used to sleeping in the same bed with someone else. I think it helped that we got married when it was cold and he's real warm.

I should have, but didn't, expect to be this happy. I didn't know there was this level of happiness.

Want to know who I love?

2010-11-13T14:06:00.002-07:00

I love me.

I love my intelligence.

I love what I have accomplished in my life thus far.

I love my ambitions and dreams and things I have yet to accomplish.

I love spending time with me.

I love my humor.

I love the way I move.

I love knowing myself well and still learning things about me all the time.

I love my hair.

I love my complexion.

I love my talents.

I love being alive!

With all this talk of singlehood and occasional lamenting of that fact, it's good to remember sometimes that we do love ourselves and being in our own company. We're going to be with ourselves for an awfully long time!

--Posted wirelessly by Jinxie

Preparation?

2010-11-12T16:42:00.003-07:00

I have nothing deep or profound to say about being single today, so I'll just say this:

Maybe my dissatisfaction with my job, current career path into a brick wall, and longing to stay home and can things/scrub floors/paint/weed/chase children is all just God's way of telling me not to get so caught up in work and further education that I can't (or won't) make the adjustment to wife and mother when I get married. Maybe it's His way of reminding me where my priorities should ultimately be: raising children and being a good wife and mother when the time comes.

Hm. Maybe that IS deep and profound, after all.

That Girl

2010-11-11T16:38:00.005-07:00

Earlier this week I overheard someone (a very attractive man, if you must know) wax poetic about a girl he saw at Borders one day. She was browsing in the non-fiction section and caught his eye, totally oblivious to the effect she had on him. He was describing a simple gesture she did, tucking her hair behind her ear or biting her lip in concentration, and how it really struck him as beautiful in that moment. He told his friend he wanted to thank that woman for just being obliviously, unselfconsciously beautiful in that moment.

Another friend told me about how his friend has a blog that is just letters to his future wife, and how the letters were touching and real and full of hope and love for the woman he hasn't even met yet.

The interesting thing to me in both those instances is that neither woman (the fictional nor the real) was described as a Victoria's Secret model or a movie star: they are ordinary women who are somehow imbued with an aura of extraordinary. What was it about the woman at Borders? Was it her hair color, facial features, figure, stance, posture? Or was it something that combined all of that, along with an unnameable attractiveness? Would someone call it her aura or her energy that struck with such memorable force?

What about the man looking for his future wife in every female face he passes? How will he know when he sees her?

I can recall a few times when something a man did almost stopped me in my path because it was so endearing or funny or touching, and it's always something simple: seeing a man playing with his nephew, walking his dog, buying a gift, smiling at a baby. Simple things with a big impact, and I couldnt' tell you the exact combination of gestures, clothing, lighting, hairstyle, or complexion.

I often wonder if I'm That Girl--the one who quietly goes about her business at the grocery store, the mall, the gas station, the office, the one who has unconsciously struck someone dumb with a thoughtless gesture. I wonder if I'll ever know. I wonder if I should assume that it happens with me and be more careful about what I say and do. I wonder if, some day many years from now, I'll be sitting on the porch with my husband and he'll describe such a moment or a gesture that still catches him off guard and makes him wonder how he was so blessed to marry me.

I wonder if I'll tell him how the same thing happened to me, or if I'll just squeeze his hand and remember...

Do you make the first move?

2010-11-10T22:12:00.003-07:00

If you're an American woman, chances are that you don't. If you're a Spanish woman, you do! A new study by an international dating site found that Spanish women are twice as likely as American women to initiate contact. Only Ecuadorian women are less outgoing.

Well. That's disheartening.

Now, I've done the online dating thing in the past. I made first contact sometimes, if a guy really caught my interest. Obviously, the online dating thing hasn't worked for me, and I don't actively participate in it at this time.

But what about in person? I was just talking on Monday about how I could benefit from opening my mouth more. Apparently, this is a theme for me this month.

What I really need to do is stop talking about it, and actually do something. Time to find me a wingwoman and go to the Institute dance this weekend!

How are you doing on making the first move?

Distance makes the heart...

2010-11-09T15:57:00.005-07:00

There are two possible conclusions to that phase. Distance either makes the heart "grow fonder" or "go yonder." And a lot plays in to determining which direction it goes.

My experience ended the best way possible, but there are a lot of reasons why that happened. People used to ask me how I handled being 800 miles away. But that was how we met, we didn't know any different the first 2 years we knew each other. And that helped. If we'd started closer and then been that far apart our story probably would've had a much different ending. The heart would've gone yonder. But that's not to say that the distance made the heart grow fonder initially. Because it didn't do that either.

Long distance relationships have several challenges in common with regular at-hand relationships, but they also have their own set of problems. And at the same time they also have some of their own advantages.

Here's just a few of those challenges and advantages from my own experience.

Advantage
- The relationship is based on communication, because that's all you have. I've been in relationships that were based on the physical, and that always implodes. I've been in relationships that had no base, and those fall quite fast. But learning how each other communicates can be huge.

Challenge
- Some people develop multiple personalities when they communicate through technology. Who you think you are communicating with might not be the person you'd communicate with in real life. That's not so much a problem with the distance as it is with the person. I'm actually very wary of people who act one way on-line and a completely different way in real life. It feels like a lie to me. If someone says "but I'm real nice in person" I don't want to be friends with them.

Advantage
- Speed. There generally isn't any in a long-distance relationship. You get time to think and for things to develop. Leaping before looking is much less likely (as long as you aren't psycho and up and move right after meeting).

Challenge
- Speed. There isn't any. There are so many things about a relationship that develop through the day-to-day of life and they just can't happen over a distance. Distance allows you to not see each other at the end of a bad day at work. It means that when you are together you are at your best, your house is clean, and you put on your first-date behavior each time.

Advantage
- Depending on just how you communicate, your entire relationship can be documented in writing. We used email and instant messenger mostly and it is real fun at this point to go back and read those.

Challenge
- It is real easy for one person to make more out of the relationship than the other. While this is true of any relationship, when you have more time to think between interactions, when you don't have the intricacies of body language to help you interpret what is being said, it is very easy to misunderstand each other.

You can develop good friendships over a distance. But if you want more out of the relationship, you just have to be closer. The distance part of our relationship gave us a solid friendship built on communication, but when my life brought me closer we still had to build our friendship all over again, this time based on life.

I'd eat lunch with you, Charlie Brown

2010-11-09T08:34:00.004-07:00

You'll be getting two posts from us today, since Roxie has something great for later. But! For all I've been discussing lately - being an introvert and opening your mouth, I thought today's Peanuts was especially poignant, so I just had to share.

That pretty much sums it up for me.

Open your mouth!

2010-11-08T21:30:00.002-07:00

In contrast to Trixie's excellent post yesterday, sometimes I could use a reminder to open my dang mouth. But, since I'm an introvert, it's not always easy.

Want to meet that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to flirt with that guy? Open your mouth!

Want to learn that guy's last name? Open your mouth!

Want to spend time with that friend, guy or girl? Open your mouth!

I'm not a supermodel, so I'm not going to catch a guy with looks alone. I'm going to have to also use my wit, charm, and sparkling personality. To do that, I'm going to have to open my mouth.

Plus, there's this:

Never mind those last 10 pounds. According to a new study, men care more about a woman’s face than they do about her body when seeking a long-term relationship.

More on that here.

Part of that face is my mouth, and I shouldn't be shy about using it, because if I can use it for the smiling and then for the talking, soon I'll get to use it again for the kissing.

"I can't believe you don't shut up!"

2010-11-07T21:19:00.009-07:00

The title of this post is one of my favorite Simpsons quotes ever from Apu Nahasapeemapetilon and one that frequently goes through my head, as, no doubt, it does for so many other people.

The other night I was at a gathering with some friends and acquaintances, and there came a moment when that phrase went SCREAMING through my head. I ended up sitting by Doug (name has, of course, been changed) because I got there late and these things happen to me. I've given this man the benefit of the doubt in the past because he's been through a tough time recently. I understand that and have been willing to find a way to talk with him and disguise or suppress my irritation with his personality enough to listen when he needs to talk. I do try my best, but I wanted to throw something at him most of the night. As I walked into my house, I said aloud, "thank GOODNESS that wasn't a date. I'd never go out with him again after that." Oh, it was awful.

Now, I don't mind if people are better at something than me. That happens. What bothers me is when people have to top everyone else in the room. I have played my share of oneupsmanship, much to my chagrin, but I do my best to avoid it myself (I have made vast improvements because I don't want to turn into a Diane or a Doug), and dislike that streak in others. Especially when they have to be better at EVERYTHING I do, especially when I've put years, sometimes decades, into developing a talent or learning a skill. I appreciate different viewpoints, too. I find them valuable and enjoy good conversation where both parties learn something. I've learned that I don't know as much as I think I do and I enjoy a challenge and a different perspective. There are very few cases in which I insist on being totally right, and they are usually cases in which I AM totally right because I have done the research and study and paid my dues. However, I really try to be kind and sensitive instead of defensive and combative (that's a lot of "ives") and I find that people actually want to talk to me and value my opinion if I value theirs! I also find that I don't have to speak loudly to whomever happens to be within earshot in order to be heard or liked.

Read that paragraph again, and imagine being stuck at a table next to someone who does all the bad things. ALL of them. Not to mention being a sloppy eater and having a seeming disregard for personal hygiene habits like shaving* or trimming his fingernails. At one point, even though the people around him were in different conversations and not talking to him anymore, he kept talking, just waiting for someone to come close to making eye contact. It was so hard to smile and be polite when all I wanted to do was say "hey, you're not that smart. You don't know as much as you think you do. You've never done military service/craft/job/education and no one really appreciates an armchair coach. Knock it off." I don't know if I should be proud of it, but I did manage to get a subtle dig in when I mentioned (in the course of a conversation with much pleasanter people) how my degree taught me that I don't know as much as I think I do and that other people's viewpoints and experiences are just as valuable as mine even if I can't relate.

Let this be a lesson: If you are constantly trying to prove how much better you are than others, if you can't accept someone else's opinion for what it is, if you dismiss someone's education and training, if you talk just to hear yourself use your AP English vocabulary words from 20 years ago, if you can't bear the thought that someone might just be better than you at something, and if you can't be bothered with social niceties like not interrupting, it's time to take a good, hard look at yourself (man OR woman!) and figure out why no one wants to date you. And then, just maybe, be willing to change if change is needed. I mean, sure, maybe there's someone out there who will jump you if you're like that, but there are no guarantees and if it hasn't happened yet, it's not likely to. Get over yourself and learn to maneuver in society with a little more grace and courtesy.

*I don't mind facial hair or stubble, but when a man admits that he's too lazy to shave more than once a week, I have a problem with that. Especially when such a man would be grossed out by the mere suggestion of stubble on a woman's ankles or, heaven forbid! her underarms. Doug seems like that kind of guy and it makes me want to scream. Long fingernails on a man quite literally nauseate me, even though I understand that classical guitarists and the like need to keep them longish in order to play their instruments. Growing them out to be weird or because you're plain lazy is NOT attractive in any way.